Things feel like they’re as bad as they possible can be right now. Now, I know, if your my therapist, you don’t necessarily give a shit about how it feels. And I supposedly should be doing better anyway.
Therapy last night was bad. It just was. And after 2 bad weeks in a row, that leaves me feeling…so many things.
I could let my feelings dictate how I’m feeling and be angry and hurt and straight up pissed off. I mean, why does she have to be harsh and whatever else when literally my entire world is already completely falling apart and unstable and I literally have no one else currently supporting me?
Like, she chooses then to make it so our relationship goes to shit? Could she not have been a little bit easier on me these past few weeks with everything that I have going on?
I could say more. Easily. Like I said, I have a lot of feelings about it.
But if I’m trying to understand it from her perspective…therapy is about change and I guess it’s frustrating or annoying or just straight up bad if when things are hard and going wrong, I fall back into the same patterns I always do. She’s not interesting in hearing about how life is hard right now because my life is always hard.
Okay yeah, but at least I’m not usually literally alone for weeks at a time.
If I force myself to, I can always see it from her perspective. I can call myself a piece a shit, I can absolutely pile on the self hatred, and I can always see her point of view.
I get it. I’M SHIT. I’M A FAILURE. I HEAR YOU.
Say it with me guys, you know what I’m about to say next. (Seriously, it should be it’s own category or tag line at this point.)
When the relationships in my life are stable and good and I feel confident in them, everything else in my life is so much more manageable. Everything is just a little bit more okay.
But when they’re not? When the relationships in my life that I desperately need to be solid…aren’t?
I completely fall apart. Everything feels impossible, I completely run away and withdraw, saying fuck you, I don’t NEED you or anyone else. Things get worse and worse and it’s just this messy, fucked up cycle.
And it all has to do with attachment, and how I apparently am incapable of forming secure attachments.
It doesn’t always last long, sometimes it lasts longer than others, but the fear that well, this is it now. This is the new normal. It’s enough to make me feel completely unsettled.
Last night, I did what I was “supposed” to. I drank less. I went to sleep early, I “did something different”.
And you know what happened? I slept like shit, I had nightmares all night long, and it was overall an atrocious night.
This morning was even worse. For reasons that I don’t want to get into (I try not to talk badly about my parents. But our relationship is extremely tumultuous. And sometimes, straight up fucking bad.)
The theme for this week, (if I’m supposed to fucking give a shit about therapy anymore) is to do something different so that I have a “better” week. Find things that are different that I can do.
But I have to tell you.
The amount fuck everything, fuck everyone, and fuck the world that I’m feeling is…shocking.
My threshold for handling anymore bullshit is at a zero. It really is.
I could use some love. Or patience. Or understanding.
I could use literally anything positive from anyone.
Because I can’t even tell you how close I am to ending it.
Right now, I feel like I have nothing and no one. My husband has been away taking care of his dad for nearly 2 weeks.
My therapist I guess has decided now would be a good time for our relationship to fall apart as well.
And I just…I’m sorry. I cannot.
I can not do this anymore.
I’m not built to be alone.
Even though I’ll continue to push everyone away, to prove to you just how much I truly do not need you.
So please excuse me while I sit here crying this morning because my 6 year old is being aggressive, my 4 year old is picking up and copying his behavioral patterns, and my dad thinks it’s cute to blame me (in front of the kids) for their behavior.
I am a rock. Nothing anyone does or says can affect me. No one will get a reaction out of me today. Not my kids. Not my dad. I am dead on the inside. And no one will get a reaction. That’s my gift to myself today. They can do whatever they want to me. And I’m choosing not to get upset or react.
She says, as they are currently throwing blocks at me and telling me they don’t love me and “aren’t on my team” because I said they can’t watch tv. (Isn’t special needs parenting fun?)
It’s fine. Everything is fine.
After reading your blog for quite some time now, I get it. I understand where you’re coming from and how this affects you. Are you as real as you are here with your therapist? I’m shocked that she is acting like this, knowing your feelings and history.
You may not believe it, but *I* care. I don’t actually know you in real life, but I feel a very strong connection to you, and I think about you often and wish you the best always.
Parenting IS hard, even when the kids aren’t special needs, so I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you.
Hang in there, momma 💓
I’m as real as I can be…a whole lot less dark and mixed with a ton of sarcasm. But she knows me by now. And she’s read a lot of what I’ve written in the past (as well as knowing this blog exists that she can read).
I think she genuinely just gets frustrated and upset when I’m not “better”. I think she sometimes just…wants me to do better. Especially when things get hard. She’s not afraid to be harsh with me.
And I can usually take it. Except for when I can’t, and it crushes me and makes me question everything. Which, again…all probably goes back to attachment. Ugh. It’s just hard. And I wish I could tell her in honest and vulnerable words how much it hurts. But that’s impossible for me to do. So I just suffer lol.
But I really do appreciate you, and appreciate you saying that. I’ve made a lot of really good and close friends through blogging(you included), and it really can be a great community. But I really do appreciate you caring. And I feel the same way about you.
💜
Do you have a PO Box or address where I can send you a book? Feel free to email me at invisiblepainblog@gmail.com
I just emailed you!
First, hugs! When it rains, it pours, right?
Second, feel free to email me if you want to process through the situation with your therapist. It might help to look at it with a third party. Situations with other people are tricky, and I know I am often guilty of making assumptions or not communicating clearly. And when people don’t communicate clearly to me, my imagination runs wild!
Thanks, I’ll probably take you up on that. Trying hard not to get to that dark place of worst case scenario….but it’s hard