As much as I know you’re just all dying to hear how therapy went last night, my attempts to think about it or write about it quickly got thwarted.
At 7:56pm, just as we were wrapping up in therapy, I got 3 texts from my husband.
Now…he doesn’t usually tell me to stay put…he usually wants me home asap. So I knew it was probably pretty bad.
At 7:58pm, as I’m walking out to my car, I’m calling my husband to find out what’s up just as a tornado warning alert pops up on my phone.
It hadn’t rained the entire 2 hours I was in therapy. Not 1 drop, which is always a disappointment. And somewhat of a joke at this point. But as soon as I got on my car, the fucking sky opened. Which, luckily or unluckily, prevented my soul from bleeding out.
I had exactly zero seconds between processing the…for extreme lack of better word, trauma, from therapy, and the actual trauma from what came next. I walked out of the hurricane therapy session that we just had, to me walking to my car and driving through an actual tornado.
I shit you not, I was right fucking in it. It was actually scary as shit.
Through my cars speaker (hands free), I talked to my husband the majority of my treacherous way home. He wanted me to pull over, but I wasn’t being pushed by the wind too badly, and I just wanted to be home.
It took me 40 minutes to complete my normally 20 minute drive. I think a tornado came through the area where my house is and took out trees and power lines right down the road from me. Less than 1000 feet from my driveway. There were multiple fire trucks blocking the roads and trees down everywhere. It took me 3 separate backroads detours trying to find a route I could navigate to get home.
So…now the question that’s really on everyone’s mind…
How did therapy go?
Honestly, I have no fucking idea. I was suffering through multiple panic attacks the entire time, fighting extreme dissociation and doing everything I could to try to stay present, all while fighting back tears and trying to stay logical and coherent.
I don’t know how it went, I don’t know how it ended, I don’t know if anything got resolved, I don’t know if I feel better about the situation….all I know is that I’m fucking exhausted.
All I wanted to do was go in my car and break the fuck down while I drove home. I needed to at least just try to get all of that pent up, suppressed emotion out of me. But I couldn’t, because I had to drive through fucking tornadoes.
I was a suppressed emotional disaster who had nothing but suicidal thoughts circling my head the entire night.
I don’t really know how to articulate this better. What it boils down to, I think, is that despite being with her for years….I’m still not good at therapy. I still struggle with the most basic shit, and I completely understand why that’s frustrating amongst other things for her.
I have such a genuine desire to do better, to feel better, but I’m so stuck within the process and it feels like I just can’t do it right.
I’m not intentionally resistant to the process, it really is something I desperately want to be better at…but I guess it’s resistance nonetheless.
How to not have panic and feel like a complete failure when I go there, how to be more productive and accomplish the things that I really want to accomplish…I don’t know how to do those things, but I’m going to try harder to figure it out.
Like I said, I don’t really know how it went. I don’t know if things ended on a better note or not. I don’t know if anyone feels better, or if anything got resolved.
But I do know that I’m going to try harder..even if I suck at it. I’m going to be less resistant even though I’m not trying to be resistant to begin with.
All I can do is keep trying, and try harder. So that’s what I’ll do.
At this point, I have nothing left to lose. Maybe one day it will all start to feel less tragic. Maybe one day I won’t want to die.
And maybe one day, things will just be okay again.
We still don’t have power, and my husband is home from work because the roads are all blocked. I’m trying to reflect, but it’s complete chaos here.
My head feels like it’s going to explode, and I just want to feel okay.