“Are you impressed every time I show up not dead?”

That’s the question that is typically on my mind as I drive to therapy. Like, I made it through another few days, another week, and I didn’t think I would. Are you proud of me?

Sometimes I wish I could talk about these things, about how much I don’t want to be alive sometimes. But I know better than to talk about it. I learned from a young age what to say, what not to say, and how to toe the line so you don’t get “in trouble”.

Growing up, and even still now, my mental health was always…disciplined. My parents didn’t believe in therapy, or treatment, or anything to do with that. My sister has a number of significant mental health diagnoses and tortured and abused me from the day that I was born. So, while my own mental health struggles were a direct result of an abusive and tumultuous home life, they were not recognized as a priority, or even as valid. And I was always shamed and punished for it. They were too busy dealing with her, and the thought of me being another problem for them was just too much.

Those voices and feelings are the driving force behind a lot of things still now. My parents still think “I should be grateful and happy and blah blah fucking blah” and that I should insert gaslighting phrases here. Whatever they come up with in the moment about how great my life is.

Because of those voices in my head, I do often feel as if my pain is invalid. Or not real, or…anything at all along those lines. It’s such a hurtful way of thinking, to feel hurt and feel wrong for hurting all at the same time.

I guess that question, that “are you impressed every time I show up not dead” question, is my subtle and sarcastic way of attempting to be proud of myself or something. Like, it was a huge accomplishment to just survive, and even if I got nothing else productive or useful done, I still somehow survived. It used absolutely all of my spoons, but I did it.

It’s stupid, I know, and it’s never something I’ve said out loud. But every time I have therapy, I guess it feels like a mini milestone.

I did it, I made it. I made it another few days. And now hopefully I have the strength to make it through a few more.

9 thoughts on ““Are you impressed every time I show up not dead?””

  1. Living day by day can be a great challenge, especially when you have those voices in your head trying to outfox your reasoning… I’ve been on that edge a few times and balancing between “proud to live another day” and “damn is this really worth it all” is so hard!
    While my life still isn’t all that, I am grateful to be around. I have dealt with severe struggles but I managed to overcome most and I’m proving I’m stronger than my gaslighting narcissistic ex wife always wanted me to believe……
    Our situations are very different, I know. But I understand it, partially, and I wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
    And for me, talking about my OD attempt, taking about not caring to live, while it was frigging hard, it did help me to cope. Pushing those feelings away almost made them stronger because they were lingering and I wasn’t fighting them.
    🤗 🌻 🍀 ♥

    1. I agree. While scary and hard, in the end, talking about it is nearly always better than keeping it in and to yourself.
      I’m glad you overcame some of your struggles. That definitely doesn’t sound like an easy situation, but I’m glad you’re still here!!

      1. Thank you! Some bad days, I still wonder if I should be around though, but I have less of these days now, for which I’m very grateful!
        And yes, talking about it can really help. But it also depends on who you’re able to talk about this with. Some people might not be suited for talks like these, unfortunately. 😔

      2. Exactly, you absolutely have to know your audience and know what they’re capable of accepting and hearing.
        I’m glad you’re having less of those days, but it’s perfectly understandable to feel that way sometimes. As long as you’re moving in the right direction, that’s all you could ask for. One of my favorite quotes is “forward is forward, no matter the pace”.

      3. Indeed! Ow and I like that quote!
        I always dislike people who go like “suicide is so unfair to the people left behind”, as I always feel like “then where we’re they if they cared so much? What were they doing to help?”. But that’s just my feelings towards it…

      4. I agree. People need to care about others always, not say harsh things when they might not understand the extent of what the other person is feeling.

      5. Very true! One person has said I was being very selfish when I took my OD and I have never spoken with that person again. I thought she was a friend but she clearly had no frigging clue 😔. But I guess it’s always easy to judge. It’s a lot easier than being empathic, that I know for sure 😇.

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