The past few days, I’ve woken up with no spoons. Nothing to give, nothing to offer the day. Depression the the master of stealing spoons, nothing else does it quite as well.
I don’t feel like eating, I don’t feel like arguing or exerting myself in any way, I don’t feel like existing.
Putting my thoughts together, either writing or talking, just feels like so much effort. Like, even that is something that feels like it would take too much of me.
The days that I wake up with no spoons are the days I know I need to really rest and focus on taking care of myself, listening to what my needs are, and trying to meet them.
Like with anything, some days are going to be harder. Some days are just going to feel heavier, longer, and less manageable. Maybe that’s okay, maybe that’s just a part of it.
Today, I have nothing to give, and I wish I could stay in bed all day and hide away from the world. Today is a hard day.
And if all I have to give is enough to simply just…survive? Than so be it.
Today, my best is not what I want it to be. It’s not ideal, and honestly, it sucks. But it’s what I’ve got.
And even with that…I’ll do the best I can.
I have a loooong, stressful, and potentially devastating week ahead of me with many serious and significant doctor appointments for my kids. I know that’s stressing me out and playing a huge role in this, in how I’m feeling.
Today, I will rest. As much as possible. Even if that isn’t very much with 2 kids running around here constantly needing me.
Shit. I’m starting to think I don’t know what “rest” really means.