Why does it hurt so much?

Last night, my husband came to therapy with me. He had the day off already since we all went to a big doctor appointment with the kids, so it was a good day for him to come, especially since the topic we’re working on has to do heavily with him.

It went, for the most part, really well. We communicated relatively well (about the topic that’s the hardest and most uncomfortable for me to talk about), and we left and went home loving each other. And we talked more about therapy and a plan going forward, and how he’s on board with something that is going to be incredibly difficult. For both of us. But beneficial and necessary in the long run.

It went well…except for the last 5 minutes. Which ended up ruining the whole night for me. And those last 5 minutes had nothing to do with my husband.

It ended with my therapist saying to me “so, I’ll see you Friday”, to which I responded “yeah…and all of them (the Fridays), right?”

She said no…as in she made up her mind to stop seeing me on Fridays, and only see me once a week, on Tuesdays. When we last spoke about it and left it off, I was hoping, or convinced myself, that we had left it with “we’ll see how things are going and this isn’t a final decision”. Since then, I (thought) I’d been working really hard and trying to be better at the things I was trying to improve on.

So even though she said that this was a possibility of what might happen, I honestly thought it wouldn’t. Hearing her relatively final and confident decision tonight kind of…really hurt me. A lot. And for me, it ruined what was otherwise a rather productive, all be it difficult, session.

I don’t know why the idea of her a only wanting to see me once a week hurts so badly. I don’t know why I’m wanting so badly to be somewhere where I’m clearly not wanted.

It feels like giving up. Like I don’t have any hope, or any real chance of things getting better for me. I don’t want her to give up on me, and I don’t want to give up on myself. Moving to once a week doesn’t feel like the right answer. It feels like the very wrong answer. Especially now, when everything in my life already feels so up in there air.

Everything is going to change once this baby gets here, and I want to work on things now. Before that happens.

We’re trying to work on some really hard shit, and that’s on top of my already insanely fucked up life.

Going to therapy twice a week is more important than I can express. Having that…outlet, hope, support…whatever you want to call it. It’s not insignificant.

I’m already struggling to hold on and fighting with everything I have to be okay. It just feels like the only thing I have…the only good thing that I really have for me, that’s helpful, is getting taken away.

And there’s nothing that feels shittier than that does.

Why am I working so hard only for it all to mean nothing? Because if it does go down to once a week right now…everything is going to fall apart. There’s a reason it is what it is right now. Because that’s what helps..because that’s what works.

And it really fucking sucks that she feels otherwise, when things finally are starting to feel like we’re progressing. Like we’re getting into the hard shit.

When I need support the most.

She’s always telling me to take the lead in sessions and ask for what I need…well, this is that. This is what I need. It’s not a joke to me, and it is something I take seriously.

Even if I fucking suck at it.

9 thoughts on “Why does it hurt so much?”

  1. I’m sorry she sees it this way? I did wonder, could she have decreased the sessions because she sees your growth and thinks you’ve become strong enough, well enough, for just one session a week? No idea if this is true, was just trying to figure out why she would make this decision.
    Much strength and luck to you 🍀 I’m glad things with your hubby are going good!

    1. No, it’s definitely not that, it’s the opposite. She thinks not enough progress has been made and wants to try changing it to see if that helps at all.

      1. Ow that’s a difficult position to be in! I still need to call my MH support for a new date but I’ve been feeling too low to be able to call… So that’s the other side of this coin I guess… I hope you’ll soon get to a good place with her! ♥ Wishing you much strength 🍀 and luck!

  2. Ms. Alana, I feel your pain and frustration. Nothing is more difficult than feeling as if you’ve been betrayed in a relationship where you once felt trust (especially when you’re dealing with hormonal surges from pregnancy on top of it). I am not aware of the events that led up to his event (as I am new to your blog); but I would recommend telling her that you feel you’re in crisis. Lay bare how dangerous it feels to decrease your sessions at this time. If she can’t accommodate that, perhaps she could recommend someone who can. Switching therapists is always a giant pain-in-the-ass, especially when we have to tell our painful stories over from the very beginning; but you deserve to have your needs met… and no one else can dictate what those needs are. I wish you luck and send supportive and healing vibes from the Sonoran Desert. I will be joining you on your blogging journey from this point on.

    1. Thank you. Yes, it’s definitely a frustrating situation, but I know shows doing it because she thinks it would help possibly, as I’ve been super slow with progress. I’ve been with her for well over 6 years, so at this point I wouldn’t ever switch therapists. She knows I’m firmly attached to her at this point lol.
      I just wish it could remain normal. I know it’s what I need, and I know she isn’t at all right that decreasing is in any way beneficial.

      1. I get that. A good relationship with a therapist is difficult to find. The first therapist who ever won enough of my trust to assist in the process of trauma/addiction recovery, retired shortly after we had reached a dramatic point in my journey towards healing. I lost a subsequent therapist after a horrible betrayal of my trust. And though I know it would be beneficial to return to therapy, I have yet to summon the energy to do so.

        Don’t get too hung up on that awful “normal” word. I don’t think there is anything in this life that fits its rather narrow, and impossible to meet, definition. 😉

      2. That’s a hard loss, it sucks when you finally can feel open and trusting with someone only for them to have to leave. That’s rough. I also have a great deal of trauma and addiction hurdles to overcome, and I can’t imagine having to do it alone. It already feels so huge and consuming.
        There’s definitely no “normal”, I agree with that. I just like to stay within my little box of comfort as often as possible 😂

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