Let the healing(?) begin.

As I write this, I’m sitting on an airplane awaiting takeoff. It’s the first flight of 2 I will take today. My husband is coming with me, but it isn’t really a trip for him.

It’s finally retreat weekend, easily one of my favorite weekends of the year. This retreat is where myself, and other birth moms (moms who have placed children for adoption) come to get together.

It’s a weekend full of pain, grief, and acceptance. Not acceptance of the decisions we’ve made, many of us don’t have that, but acceptance of one another.

To be in a room full of other people who just…get it like no one else does…it’s so meaningful.

While the retreat related activities don’t actually start until tomorrow night, I always get there a day earlier along with a few other people just to…be. And to really take advantage of the space that I have the opportunity to have.

This weekend is about my son. It’s about honoring him and me, and the incredibly painful journey that we as birth moms go though.

Losing a child, through adoption or otherwise, is…it’s the most painful thing a person can go through.

I spend so much time in avoidance, in refusing to feel and acknowledge my pain. This weekend doesn’t allow for that. It forces us to be present and not shove those feelings away. It’s a celebration of us as birth mothers, but also an amazing acknowledgment of the pain and the heartache that this really is.

It’s incredibly emotional, but also very healing. I’ve met some of my closest and favorite people over the years through these weekends, and I’m so, so grateful that they exist.

This weekend is about my son, and even though it will be extremely difficult for me, it’s something that I really do need.

Just being with other women who really do just get it is healing in it of itself.

I had an incredibly rough time here last year, and I drowned out the pain in a shit ton of alcohol and honestly wanted to die. This year, there isn’t any alcohol, and my husband came with me to help out in those quiet moments when my mind gets just a little too loud.

It’s funny how a weekend designed to be supportive (and really truly is), also requires a certain level of support to get through.

I’m sure I’ll be writing a lot this weekend and trying to process everything that I’m feeling. It’ll be rough, so bear with me.

I’m already lined up waiting to board my second plane. I’m nervous, but excited. Even though my husband isn’t going to any retreat activities with me, I’m still really glad he’s here.

I hope it goes well, I hope I handle it all well. Dealing with emotions isn’t exactly my strong suit, as we all well know.

14 thoughts on “Let the healing(?) begin.”

  1. I am so glad that you also have a supportive husband. Mitch doesn’t always understand the “why” of my need for support; but the man does know that just “being” alongside me is often all I need. I hope that with the grief and the pain that these memories cause you, you also find the love and acceptance of which you speak — in joyful abundance. You deserve nothing less than to be accepted for exactly who you are! 😘

    1. Thank you ❤️
      Yes, exactly. Just being is exactly what I need right now. I’m already so emotionally exhausted and it really hasn’t even started. But just…being. That’s what I’m really craving right now.

    1. It really is such a special and important time. I’m only 8 years into my journey as a birth mom, but these retreats have been the biggest support to me throughout the years. This is one journey that should not be traveled alone.

      1. These retreats are the only time when I force myself to deal with the emotions surrounding it all…the rest of the time I try to avoid the pain and live with it alone. It’s definitely rough.
        Always glad to meet another birth mom, there’s certainly not a ton of us!

      2. I do not know any personally, but I have met a few online and it’s great! We have a Facebook page for a few of us older ladies who are now in reunion. They help keep me grounded for sure!!

      3. Yeah all my birth mom friends are from other states, no one is nearby that I know personally. But even the online support is still soo much better than nothing.

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