Nonexistent

The feelings have hit, and today isn’t even the hard day. The real work starts tomorrow, but it all feels heavy already.

I’m anxious about what’s to come, and about what I’m already feeling.

Even here, I want to run. I want to run from the feelings and just avoid it.

I sat in the park, my absolute favorite park in the world, and wrote today. It was nice, and it was definitely my favorite part of the day. It was just quiet and calm and I could be alone with my thoughts in a space where the world around me is so big, that no one notices me at all.

It’s my favorite spot in the world, that park across from the hotel we always stay at.

I always say that I feel like I have 2 places where I feel safe in the world. In my therapists office, and in this park.

Even here, I feel alone in my feelings. I’m amongst so many friends, and plastering on a smile, but I don’t want to smile. I want to just be still and quiet and alone.

I wish I had a few dedicated hours to just sit in my park and exist. Exist without existing to anyone else.

To be left alone to feel like nothing, small, insignificant, and unimportant. To everyone else, just a face among the thousands they see each day. Nonexistent.

That’s how I feel. Nonexistent. To the world, to my son…and I just feel so…heavy.

I wish I mattered to anyone. But I know I’m not worth the thought.