“I’ll be okay”

I wonder if anyone knows what it feels like to hate themselves as much as I do.

I wonder if anyone knows what it’s like to want to die, about as much as I do right now. To want to give in…give up.

I wonder if it’s “normal” to feel as much as I do, to be on the verge of losing it all together, and struggle so hard to keep it all in. When I’m reality, all I really want to do is let it out, but I can’t.

I wonder if anyone else feels like they don’t know how to.

I wonder how many people are just as “okay” as I am. Because I know it sure does feel lonely sometimes.

I feel alone in this fight, alone in this battle. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. And to be honest, it kind of scares me.

I wonder if anyone else feels afraid like this. Afraid of living, afraid of dying.

I don’t feel strong enough to save myself. And I wonder why I have no. Why is it on me to be the hero, when I have no strength left to fight with?

I keep saying I want to lose control, that I don’t want to control all of these feelings, these emotions. Some days I wish I could just let it go. Cry, break the fuck down, just stop trying to fucking control it all.

But I can’t. I’m too broken, too afraid, and too alone.

I can’t hold the world together any longer. And I wish it was safe for me to be fully and completely broken, just for a little bit.

I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel okay, feel safe.

All I want is just one place, one person, to be totally and fully safe with.

Without that, I have nothing.

And I just want to stop feeling this fucking way.

Like I’m constantly on the verge of tears, with no safe place for them to fall.

I wonder if anyone knows what that’s like.