Ohhh boy. The Monday morning, beginning of the week panic begins again. I don’t feel ready for the week, I don’t feel strong enough to handle all that is coming my way, and the anxiety has hit very hard.
Maybe I should back up.
We got home last night after the kids were already in bed. I went in to get them this morning and they were so happy to see me, it made me happy. My 5 year old told me how much he missed me, showed me a surprise he made me, and told me that he cleaned up his room because he knew it would make me happy. It was very sweet, and I was proud of him for thinking of how other people would feel.
My 3 year old was also very excited to see us and made sure we were “staying home” and not leaving again.
But as soon as things got more…normal, and my husband tried to leave for work…it just felt like the whole entire world came crashing down and is absolutely crushing me. (His car won’t start, for the 3rd time this month, and we have to get it jumped. Again. Just another thing, right?)
I feel like I can’t breathe, there’s just too much to do, too much to get done, and I don’t know where to start. It feels like the stressors are too much. Too much to overcome, too many, too hard…
We’re trying to buy land, we need a new car for my husband, I’m just feeling so fucking panicked and overwhelmed right now.
I’m having a panic attack and I just want to stop. I just want to break down, let go of the control, and give in. Give in to the emotions that I’m fighting, give in to the urges…just give in. Give up.
I know this is small. I know this is just a bad month, a bad day…a bad hour…but I can’t help but to feel a certain sense of hopelessness about it all.
This heaviness isn’t something I know how to work my way around. I usually drown it out with alcohol, but I know I can’t do that right now.
I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed by the world, by endless medical appointments, by grief and loss…I just feel absolutely crushed by it all.
I know this won’t last. This stress and anxiety…it will pass. Well, either that, or it will kill me.
But right now, I can’t see or feel past this. I can’t feel anything other than the weight of everything and everyone crushing me.
I wish someone would break me, I wish I could let go of all of this. It might just be better if someone got inside and broke me down. Maybe then, I can start rebuilding the very fragile person that I am.