I don’t want to do what’s hard, I want to do what feels good.

That’s the phrase going around in my head right now. Like a child throwing a tantrum. I don’t want to do what’s right, what’s hard…what’s “good”.

I want to do what feels good. What feels good right now. Not next week, not next month, I want to feel good right now. I want what’s easy, I am not interested in things being hard right now.

I don’t want to.

I’m not interested in anything hurting anymore. If it feels better right now, that’s what I want. I don’t care if it’s “wrong” or the “bad” thing. I need a break, I need to feel better. And I don’t care if that’s wrong.

I guess that’s the addict brain tendencies in me. Wanting to feel good right now, no matter what that costs.

I don’t want to be sober right now. I don’t want things to be harder in therapy, to change. Right now, I am 100% in survival mode. There’s no question about that.

I am trying to survive. And I’m sorry. But right now, that means I need things to be a little easier. Not harder. It means that I need people on my side. Holding my hand and guiding me through the darkness.

That is what I need. I need someone helping me, making things easier. I don’t want anyone to push me in ways that make things harder right now.

Push me, fine. Push me to talk, push me to feel, but I don’t want to be pushed into more loneliness and isolation.

I know I’m a very broken person right now. I know I’m a shell of myself, constantly on the verge of tears and panic. An emotional disaster, intertwined with the hope of living and the hope of dying.

I want to feel better. I want to feel good. And I know that feeling good right now is so often maladaptive and harmful.

But I don’t care.

I just want it all to stop. I don’t care if it hurts later. I’m hurting right now, and that’s the hurting I care about.

That’s the pain I need to be over.

The one that hurts right now.

5 thoughts on “I don’t want to do what’s hard, I want to do what feels good.”

  1. Ow these thoughts can be so strong and overwhelming! I do hope you won’t follow that easy and comfortable road too much as it will probably lead to devastating things. The easier roads often lead up to bad things, or so they do for me 😔. I am sending you much strength and I hope you’ll find a “medium” difficulty road that will lead to a good outcome for you. Not hard, not too difficult, but good enough to stick to it!
    I hope this makes sense… Just how I experience it. Hope this helps you a little 🤗 🍀.

    1. A medium road sounds doable. Certainly more so than anything too difficult, anyway. I’m trying. I’ll be okay. I’ll keep trying.

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