That’s the phrase going around in my head right now. Like a child throwing a tantrum. I don’t want to do what’s right, what’s hard…what’s “good”.
I want to do what feels good. What feels good right now. Not next week, not next month, I want to feel good right now. I want what’s easy, I am not interested in things being hard right now.
I don’t want to.
I’m not interested in anything hurting anymore. If it feels better right now, that’s what I want. I don’t care if it’s “wrong” or the “bad” thing. I need a break, I need to feel better. And I don’t care if that’s wrong.
I guess that’s the addict brain tendencies in me. Wanting to feel good right now, no matter what that costs.
I don’t want to be sober right now. I don’t want things to be harder in therapy, to change. Right now, I am 100% in survival mode. There’s no question about that.
I am trying to survive. And I’m sorry. But right now, that means I need things to be a little easier. Not harder. It means that I need people on my side. Holding my hand and guiding me through the darkness.
That is what I need. I need someone helping me, making things easier. I don’t want anyone to push me in ways that make things harder right now.
Push me, fine. Push me to talk, push me to feel, but I don’t want to be pushed into more loneliness and isolation.
I know I’m a very broken person right now. I know I’m a shell of myself, constantly on the verge of tears and panic. An emotional disaster, intertwined with the hope of living and the hope of dying.
I want to feel better. I want to feel good. And I know that feeling good right now is so often maladaptive and harmful.
But I don’t care.
I just want it all to stop. I don’t care if it hurts later. I’m hurting right now, and that’s the hurting I care about.
That’s the pain I need to be over.
The one that hurts right now.