The (other) hard side of depression.

If there’s one thing I try to do, it’s keep it real here. How I feel is relatable. I know I’m not the only person that goes through things like this, and I’m not the only person that feels like this.

It’s always helped me to feel less alone….less isolated. I try to be as real as possible when I’m writing, so that hopefully, if anyone ever finds this in a time of need, they can find it slightly relatable and hopefully feel a little less alone.

So, with that being said, yeah. Depression sucks. It’s heavy, and it takes a lot out of you to just simply exist sometimes.

I’m currently going through one of the worse periods of depression that I go through. And, like I said, it’s taken every single ounce of energy I have just to survive.

That means that, unfortunately, some things go out the window. I’m a very clean person, kind of alarmingly so. I think things to smell good, I like things to be clean…etc.

So when I realized it’s been about 5 or 6 weeks since I washed my sheets, that was red flag number 1 for me. Then, I realized I was only washing my hair maybe once a week. I’d still shower, but washing my hair proved to be too much work, take up too many spoons. No one noticed, and it honestly didn’t look (or smell) any differently, but it felt…wrong.

My house became more cluttered, more disorganized…clean laundry sat unfolded for too long…it was just all of these things that started to add up and tell me that I’m really not feeling my best.

My outside world starting looking, and feeling, a lot like my inside world. And I just don’t have the energy to address it.

It’s hard, it’s kind of embarrassing, and I think it’s something that a lot of people might possibly understand.

I know I’m not alone. I know that there are a lot people who understand this and who go through this.

And I hate that. I hate that anyone ever has to feel this or experience it. I hate that this is so…that’s it’s such a real and heavy experience for so many of us.

I hate that it leaves us feeling alone and undeserving and isolated.

And most of all, I hate that people…leave. I hate that they give up on us, that they allow us to give up on ourselves. Maybe that’s just me, maybe that’s just me projecting…but it feels real.

I hate how I feel right now. I feel gross. Not because I am, but because I look around, and all I see is failure. Failure in my physical world and in my internal world.

My house looks like my brain. Scrambled, cluttered…disorganized.

These were all things I wanted, but haven’t been able to, talk about it therapy. How I just feel like a fucking failure, how I feel so alone, so heavy….I just want to talk about how much I fucking want to die.

I won’t kill myself because I’m pregnant. 18 weeks, and 22(ish) to go. I won’t kill myself…not yet. For now, my son needs me.

But that doesn’t mean that how I feel is okay, and that doesn’t mean that in however many more weeks, when my body is my own again, that I won’t still feel this way.

How I feel right now is NOT okay. I am not okay. And I just want to talk about that, and start getting back on track.

The world requires more from me than I have to offer right now. And living like this…it isn’t okay.

It isn’t really living.

I just wish I had more support right now and not less. I wish that things could be the way they were.

Maybe, just maybe…this one time….therapy tomorrow can be what I need it to be. And things can just start to be okay again.

10 thoughts on “The (other) hard side of depression.”

  1. Unfortunately, in many ways, I can relate. Worse hygiene, less cleaning, more clutter… When my MH goes bad, so does my care. The only one I always keep caring well for is Arwen. She’s my gall, even if just a furry one, but she is my life saver… So for her, I always keep going.
    You may not have the perfection you seek so desperately right now. But the little things you have been able to do, really matter more than you give them credit for! You’re caring for your family, you keep off the booze, you try to find the things that need some spoons to get solved, so you save some spoons to bit by bit get these chores done.
    Don’t take away all that credit! It may be just a small bit of that perfection that you seek… But it’s about the progress! And you’re making it! Every day 🌸. You get up. Do the chores you’re capable of. You love your family. You care for them. Even if the laundry takes longer to be fold, it’s still done… So that’s a plus!
    OK before this comment becomes a post of its own… Just try to see your progress. Give yourself the positive credit that is due! 🤗 You got this. Maybe not all now, maybe still not tomorrow, maybe even not next week… But all those days mean little progress, bit by bit, so you’re getting there! Allow yourself time to heal and adapt. 😊

    1. Thank you, that means a lot. I know I’m hard on myself and I definitely don’t give myself any sort of grace or reprieve.
      It’s hard to remember that the little bits..doing anything I can do, is still something. Even if it isn’t perfect, it’s something.
      Thanks for reminding me that something is still…well…something.
      I’m glad you have Arwen. She definitely sounds like a positive thing, and anything that has effect on you is definitely awesome.
      We all need time to heal. I guess expecting to do that on anyone else’s timeline is just not helpful, or realistic. Even doing it on your own timeline can be hard to manage.

      1. You are very welcome 🤗 I hope you will be able to see it the way I do. I am always way more judgemental to myself than to others, so I do totally understand! But maybe that’s also why I know the little things matter so much. 😊
        I’m very happy I have Arwen. If I didnt have her at my side four years ago, I would have definitely tried to OD a second time. Because of her I kept going. And while it surely wasn’t perfect, here we still are. I’m fairly OK, just many money struggles. And as far as I can see, Arwen is enjoying het life as well… Which gives me a lot of pleasure! 🤗
        Healing sure takes time and I guess there is no time line to keep at all. You never know how many steps it is, and often there’s a few steps back before being able to go forward again…
        Please see each step forward as a small victory, see it as another goal reached, celebrate, allow yourself to feel good about all you did do! 🤗

  2. I’m so sorry my dear. Feeling your words and pain.. I don’t have what to say, and I don’t think I should.
    Just sending love your way ❤️

  3. This is completely relatable and like you, I hate that it is. I had brief periods of depression in my early 20’s – prompted by things that happened in my life that lifted once I’d faced and dealt with them – but the depression began whilst I was pregnant and after the birth of my 1st child. It was mostly undiagnosed (partly because of the time -28 years ago- and due to my amazing acting abilities). I struggled through 2 more pregnancies in less than 4½ years until it was no longer considered post-natal anything. I was eventually deemed clinically depressed much later than I should’ve been. My eldest daughter was 14 when I suddenly realised (lightning bolt) that I wasn’t a shit person/mum and it was a revelation. I know HOW it feels but I’m living proof that things can improve. Photography, Art + my kids saved me, albeit eventually, but writing about it was huge for me. I still can’t write out loud some of the worst things I did whilst in the grip of depression, but I surprisingly kept my sense of humour and I think that was important for me.

    It always touches me when I read that anyone is going through depression. I know a lot about lack of self-care, addiction, self-sabotage etc. I could write the book – if I had the nerve!

    Love to you!

    1. I’m glad to hear that things did start eventually improving! It sucks that things are so hard for as long as they are, but glad to know it’s possible for things to get better.

  4. I know it isn’t possible for some people but I will never let myself go back into that darkness. I HOPE there’s hope for everyone who suffers this way.

    I was a messy hoarder who hardly ever left the house except to take the kids to school (in my pyjamas/in the car). I was addicted to internet chatrooms, neglected my kids and I was morbidly obese. I am none of those things now so there is always hope.

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