While not the intention, that was the result. When my husband and I decided to try for our 3rd (my 4th) baby, we knew things would have to change.
I’d have to be sober. Totally and completely. From day 1. Something that I haven’t been in over 3 years, and even then, only ever interrupted by pregnancy.
I’ve been trying (and failing) to get truly sober for probably close to 2 years now.
Being pregnant doesn’t offer a choice. There is only one way.
I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, have been able to do this without the choice no longer being mine.
Granted, I suppose, the choice still is mine, but to me, it isn’t a choice. I’m here to make myself suffer, not anyone else sharing my body along the way. The second my actions have consequences for others is the second that I cut that shit out.
When I was pregnant with my now 8 year old birth son, my life was on very shaky ground. If I didn’t get pregnant with him, I can promise you, I would have killed myself. While my addiction back then wasn’t as physically gripping…I was absolutely drinking an incredible amount, and probably abusing/misusing (prescribed to me) pills.
My birth son saved my life in ways that I could never begin to explain. Even to this day…sometimes the only reason I hold on is for him. So if he one day chooses…I’m here for him.
This baby…while still only 19 weeks old developing…has given me a greater gift than I’ve been able to give myself in far too long. It’s given me a reason to take care of myself. Because it isn’t for me…it’s for someone else.
Yes, I feel like shit. Yes, I’m a mess. And I’m emotional and exhausted and I have a ton on my plate….but I am sober.
It didn’t feel good physically, but it feels good knowing that I did it. And that, for as long as my body isn’t solely my own, I will continue to do it.
My 2 parented sons give me a reason to live every single day. But I was in a good place when I got pregnant with them both.
But the other 2…my birth son and now this baby…it’s something different. It’s something about being saved from yourself, doing something so selfless for someone other than you, just having that different perspective…it’s everything.
I only hope that, for once, I can maintain sobriety once he’s here, and my body is my own again. I’ve never been able to maintain it before, and I just hope that somehow, I can find the strength this time.