I woke up this morning with so much anxiety, I felt physically sick. It’s the kind of anxiety that I can’t do anything about, because I cannot do much to change the root cause of it.
I was not in a good mood last night after coming home from therapy. It was a rough session, and I just feel so incredibly frustrated. It’s so hard for me to grasp these more abstract concepts.
Like, suddenly being aware and conscious of the all the maladaptive shit I do subconsciously…that’s strange. And it’s difficult. And the fact that, okay, so I’ll try to do that…but then what??? Like, what do I do with that, what next?
I’m very linear. I like when things makes sense. Give me a task or an assignment, and I’ll do it. Give me a list of things to tangibly do, and it isn’t a problem. But these more vague and abstract tasks…I’m really struggling with them.
And that led to a lot of frustration last night in therapy for both of us. For her, because she was annoyed that she had to repeat herself a few times about what it is I can actually do, and me because, well, because I fucking hate myself. And because I don’t intend or enjoy frustrating her.
Trust me, no one is more frustrated and annoyed with me than I am.
I just about lost my shit with her last night though when we were ending and she looked at me and said “see you next week” (as opposed to seeing me twice a week on Fridays, like it has been for a few years now). It gutted me. And left me feeling so fucking alone. She didn’t mean it in a mean or negative way, but it stung.
Blasting music in my car on the way home definitely helped to lessen the tension I had within myself, but not fully.
So I got home last night around 8:20pm, and I was already in a sensitive mood. I picked a fight with my husband, I was already annoyed, and I just wanted to come home and feel better.
It wasn’t a big deal, and the unjustified annoyance I had with him only lasted about a half an hour, but still. He ended up doing a good job getting me out of my mood just by talking to me and being present with me, but it was still a bit rough.
This morning, that anxiety and tension was built up so high I felt like I was about ready to explode.
Financial stress, therapy stress, the stress of adding a new baby, a third child, into the mix when I feel so incompetent as a person and a parent as it is…it just broke me.
It was definitely a take a klonopin kind of morning, but again, since I’m pregnant, that obviously was not an option. So I suffered through that anxiety for a good few hours until it gracefully settled, and resumed its role in sadness and depression.
To be honest, I was grateful for the change. I think sometimes the depression feelings are easier to manage than the anxious ones.
But I just feel so defeated. I actually said that last night during therapy, too. It just feels like I can’t do anything right, I can’t get these concepts that should maybe be easier…I don’t know. It’s just all so out of my control and so frustrating.
I’ll keep working as hard as I can, I don’t want to give up. On myself or on anything else. But I’d by lying if I said I felt anything less than incredibly frustrated and defeated.
I just wish she knew that I was trying. Really, really fucking hard. Even though I suck.
Blame it on pregnancy brain or ADHD or exhaustion or depression, whatever you want to blame it on…my brain just feels like fucking mush right now.
And I’m struggling just to exist in a world that doesn’t want me in it.
I know I’ll get there one day. But today is not that day. Not yet.
But I will get there.