When self reflection sucks

This morning, I had an appointment with my genetic counselor. Later this afternoon, I will have my 19 week anatomy scan, and a few days later, I will see my maternal fetal medicine doctor to further discuss my high risk pregnancy. Then tonight, I have therapy.

If that sounds like a lot, that’s because it is a lot.

It’s hard living with this genetic disorder myself, and it’s even harder knowing that I passed it down to at least 2 of my children. I won’t know if this baby will suffer from this genetic disorder (essentially muscular dystrophy with heart complications) for a few more weeks, but I’m glad I’ll be able to find out before he’s born.

I haven’t seen this little boy on an ultrasound for a few weeks now, so I’m excited to see him in a few hours and make sure he’s growing as expected with no issues (hopefully).

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Later tonight I have therapy, and I’m hoping that goes better than it has. We’ve been having a rough time lately, but after last week, I’m hoping the trajectory of that has changed, and we’re back on the right path.

I had a lot of thinking and work to do in terms of introspection. I have a lot of unhealthy, unconscious patterns that I’m trying to bring into the conscious level, and let me tell you, that’s much easier said than done.

“It’s unconscious and buried for a reason.”

I know that I do a lot of looking for love and affection in any sense from other people. I’ll ask them if they like me, or tell them that they don’t, because I want to hear that they do.

I want to hear any of the positive things that I never got to hear during my life. No one ever told me that they loved me, or anything positive, so I guess I do crave that a bit. And I tell people that they don’t care, because really, I want to hear them tell me that they do.

I know there are a lot more things I need to learn and uncover about myself, but I know that’s at least a start. There are an abundance of ways in which I sabotage myself, and I have a LOT of unconscious insecurity.

I know it effects my life in a significant way, and I know it warps my view of things in a negative light. But the hardest part I think is bringing it from the unconscious level to the conscious level.

I’m honestly stuck and having trouble bringing more things up, and it’s not for lack of trying.

Maybe I just don’t want to be real with myself, maybe I don’t want to face some of it, maybe it’s too hard to admit.

Why do I feel the way that I feel, why do I do the things that I do? Think the things that I think?

Gee, I don’t know, because there’s been no part of my life that hasn’t been riddled with abuse and trauma?

Because I’ve suffered from every type of abuse that exists? Because I’ve been traumatized, raped, hurt, verbally and physically abused by people in my life that were supposed to love me?

Or is it because I have no fucking idea what love and security really is, and now I’m supposed to (and trying so fucking hard) model those very things for my own children in a healthy and appropriate way?

I mean, it’s like pick your fucking poison. I am in imperfect person, fighting to live a life that resembles normalcy. And yes, sometimes I fail. But I am trying.

I don’t know. It’s just hard, and it’s a lot.

I want tonight to go well in therapy, but I’m worried that I’ll be too shut down and worried about saying something that’s not good enough.

Insecure attachment is shit. And it effects every aspect of my life. I’m sick of it.

I’m sick of letting all the harmful and painful parts of my life control me.

I just want to feel better. I know I don’t have healthy relationships with other people. It’s impossible to when you don’t have a secure attachment, and I don’t have that with anyone. I’m insecure in every single relationship I exist in. And it sucks.

I wish everything didn’t have to be this hard. I’m just ready for things to be better.