Well, turns out, I had a bit of a rough weekend. And that’s left me feeling like sort of a failure.
It wasn’t a bad weekend, per se, but it was exhausting. I was “on” all weekend, and never got a chance to rest and relax. So that’s pretty much left me exhausted and falling asleep at like 6pm every night and fighting to stay awake. I am not feeling rested and repaired enough to face this coming week.
This morning, I have my 30 minute ultrasound and follow up with my high risk OB doctor at Maternal Fetal Medicine, and I’m hoping they tell me everything is going well. I’m 25 weeks now, and time is simultaneously going extremely fast, yet slow all at once. And I’ll be honest, baby boy doesn’t move as much as I hope he would, and it always makes me nervous.
I’m really starting to feel the effects of only have therapy once a week as opposed to twice. It’s been rough, and I really miss the Friday sessions. Waiting until Tuesday each week has been more challenging than I’d like it to be.
Once again, I feel like I have some really big things I need to get off my chest, and I’m struggling with coming to terms with it and talking about it.
I feel like I keep messing up in life. Like no matter what, I’m going to be destined to fail. I know people mess up, and failure is literally just an inevitable part of life…but sometimes it feels like more than that with me. It feels like I can never win, never get past these things that are always going to hold me back.
I get it. I know I’m not special, or any different than any other person that tries and fails in their lifetime. But it just feels like I’m not strong enough to be successful. Or like maybe I’m just not good enough.
It is what it is. I know I’ll get back up, and I’ll keep going and keep trying, but still. It sucks. And I hate feeling this way about myself. It’s not helpful or productive, and these feelings of self hatred will never get me anywhere positive.
But for today, I guess it’s just another Monday. Another day I need to get through, and it’s a new day to start again, and to do my best.
And I guess really, that’s all anyone can ask for. As long as you’re trying, doing your best, and not giving up…that’s all we can do.
I just hope the week goes easy on me. But even if it doesn’t, I’ll keep showing up.
I’ll keep trying.