Well, I won’t lie, I’m really struggling today. I don’t know if it’s the effects of not having therapy this week, of it just being an incredibly long week, or just life catching up to me in general….
But I feel like complete shit.
I think something really triggering happened this morning too, and although I started feeling this way last night…the events of this morning absolutely did not help.
I had to get an ultrasound on my leg to rule out having a blood clot, and the tech in there doing the ultrasound made me really uncomfortable. First of all, I was surprised by the fact that I’d have to take off my pants in the first place (hello, it’s a leg ultrasound. I didn’t think I’d have to.) Then, as she told me to take my pants off, she didn’t leave the room, and basically watched me as I did it.
It was the same thing after it was over, she told me to wipe the gel of with a towel and then basically watched me as I got dressed again, offering no privacy or to step out of the room or anything. It felt degrading and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. She didn’t even turn around or bother to look away.
Even when I hesitated, waiting for her to get the fuck out, she didn’t. As if I was inconveniencing her for taking too long.
Maybe most people wouldn’t have found this to be upsetting or a big deal, but it left me feeling once again violated, and like I have no right to my own body.
It literally takes me hours, if not days, of mental preparation just to be able to go to the OB every time. And she’s been my doctor for the past 6 years now. And even with all of that, it still causes a panic attack every time.
I have spent too many nights having my physical self be violated by others who have no right to me. And this, while, sure, a benign event…it felt similar. And it hurt, and it brought back a lot of already very present feelings.
While the urge to drink is more or less a constant, nagging urge that I’m trying to get used to…the urge to cut or burn or hurt myself in any other way is Not always like that. It’s not always present, it’s not a constantly nagging thought, and it’s not usually all consuming.
Today, though…it has been. I want to do all of those things that I work so hard not to do. And it sucks.
I feel like I’ve taken a million steps back and I just want to give the fuck up. I want to bury my head in the sand and fucking die.
The worst part is not knowing what to do with these feelings. Not knowing how to deal with them in healthy ways.
The stress that I’m feeling is overwhelming. My body is physically reacting to it, and I’ve been having contractions all morning, probably as a result.
Some days I feel too fucking broken to ever want to get up again. Today is one of those days. Today, I feel broken, and I want to die and give up.
I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of feeling violated by things that shouldn’t even fucking matter.
It wasn’t even a big deal.
And it wasn’t a big deal when he raped me, either. So I need to get the fuck over it and just…be better.
Today is a hard day. It was hard already, and now it feels impossible.
And I just don’t know how to do it without every maladaptive coping mechanism that I’ve spent a lifetime perfecting.
Why can’t I just fucking be stronger???