It’s all I can do to hold on sometimes.

Last night, for the first time in 3 or 4 years, I had to cancel therapy. Usually, I’d rather die than actually cancel. But I wasn’t left with a choice last night. It sucked, and now I feel a certain sense of despair and hopelessness that therapy usually (hopefully) combats.

It was just another night spent in the hospital, another night with basically no answers.

The doctor I saw (the nice one, this time) said she saw the bleeding, but wasn’t sure why it was happening. So she basically sent me home to “rest and take it easy and to come right back if it gets any worse”. Hah, okay. Because “resting and taking it easy” is just so easy when you have 2 kids to take care of all day.

Now it’ll probably be another week before I can go back to therapy, and that just really, really sucks. Unless she miraculously gets an opening between now and then.

I’ve been working at just…hiding and suppressing my feelings, but there’s just only so much of that I can do before the dam breaks and the emotional floodgates open without any control over it.

There’s just…more than a lot on my plate right now. 2 kids with a complicated genetic disorder, a high risk pregnancy, and just issue after issue that comes with it…I’m overwhelmed. My husband is staying home today and tomorrow so I can really, actually rest…but even that is just so hard for me.

I know I’m not alone, but I feel alone in this right now. I wish I had therapy last night, I wish I wasn’t in this situation…it just all really sucks.

Going through hard things is hard enough. But going through them when you feel alone…it’s a whole new level of hard. My husband is supportive, but I often find myself protecting his feelings and taking care of him. I don’t mind it, but it leaves me feeling just…like I have nowhere to go with my own feelings.

I feel really bad and empty after not having therapy. It makes a bad situation feel even harder. I don’t like dealing with everything that I’m dealing with, and I don’t have many…if any positive outlets in dealing with it.

Today and tomorrow, I actually have the opportunity to rest. But that’s not something I know how to do. It makes me feel useless and like I’m not contributing in the ways that I know how to. I know I need to slow down and stop…but that’s just so against my nature sometimes.

Like I said, I just feel like I’m breaking apart right now. I’m missing the glue I need to stay strong and stay together, and that’s a dangerous place for me to be in.

I wish I had therapy, I wish I felt better, and I wish things were just easier in general.

But that’s just life. And right now, I’m just holding on with everything I have.

Hopefully, that’s enough. Because I don’t have anything else to offer.

5 thoughts on “It’s all I can do to hold on sometimes.”

  1. That’s shitty that you had to miss therapy. I’m glad at least you didn’t have to deal with that shitty doctor again.

    I hope you’ll be able to actually rest today and tomorrow. And while rest may not be contributing to outside pople, it’s probably contributing to baby by giving him some extra womb time.

    1. Yeah we were so relieved when we didn’t see her haha.
      And yeah. I need to remember that. Just because it doesn’t *feel* productive, that doesn’t mean it isn’t.

      1. Yes, and it’s hard to explain to others because they don’t really get it. Most doctors have never even heard of it- only geneticists.

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