When it rains…

Well, for the first time in literally months….it is raining here this morning! I love the rain. And I’ve been seriously missing it.

Rainy weather is my favorite kind of weather. It always seems to perfectly match how I feel. A little dark, a little stormy…with sometimes a little hope, and maybe even a little beauty in it, too.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings. Things have been crazy and hectic in my life, and it’s left me feeling rather shut down and avoidant. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to write, I don’t even really want to exist.

My schedule (and we all know how much I love a good schedule and routine) has been thrown off due to my husband having to stay home for a few days to help me, and to come to my doctor appointments, so on top of my emotional world being a whirlwind…my normally scheduled and routined world has also been a whirlwind.

But I know I have to let go. I need to accept help, accept support, and learn to rest.

I’ve been wearing a heart monitor for the past week, and I still have a few days to go with it. I’m hoping it shows nothing significant…although I’m honestly expecting to hear something…well, unexpected.

This morning I’m not feeling well. Physically, emotionally…I feel like the weather. Dark and stormy and cloudy. The hope is hiding, the light can’t yet shine through the darkness, and it feels lonely and scary. My husband is back at work today, but available to come home if I need him (which I will not).

I wish I had therapy tonight, but at least I will tomorrow. I just feel really shitty right now. And this isolating and shutting down that I’m doing is the absolute worst thing for me.

But the rain helps. I just wish I could be…alone to enjoy it. Instead of having to show up and be a parent. That’s the thing about parenting. You have to do it even when you don’t want to. And it doesn’t ever stop.

Today is rough. Honestly, the past little while has been rough.

But much like the rain, there can be beauty in the roughness. If you just slow down to look…

There can be beauty in the storms.

The light will come again.

Even if it takes a while.