Surrender. To give up control of something to someone else.

You cannot fix someone else, you cannot make them get help, you cannot force them to address and acknowledge a problem that they are not ready to.

When you do addiction work, you hear a lot about that word. About surrendering. And also of acceptance.

Surrender to the process, surrender to the emotions…to all of it.

Until right now, until this exact moment, I’ve really never thought about that and what it actually means.

As we all know, I am basically the queen of control. I want to fix, I want to control, I want to help…and if I can’t, I feel like a failure. I feel like that’s on me, like I’ve not done a good enough job, like I’m both the problem and the lack of solution.

While there isn’t a specific person in my life right now that I need to surrender to….well, actually, no. Let me rephrase that.

The person in my life I need to surrender to is me.

I need to give up control. I need to STOP trying to fight myself. Stop trying to fight the emotions and the circumstances and all of the fucking feelings all the time.

I cannot control the things in my life that I’ve been trying to. And I’m not even talking about other people. That’s just a given. I cannot control my husband, I cannot fix him, I can’t fix my kids…none of that is within my power.

The only thing that is reasonably within my power, within my control, is me. And still, that’s something I fight every step of the way.

I still justify the fact that I have a problem with alcohol. I try to convince myself that I can get back to drinking like a “normal person”, and that it won’t completely take over my life again.

Maybe, instead of constantly fighting these things, instead of constantly trying to be in control of it all, I need to surrender to the fact that I’m just not.

Honestly, I really don’t know what any of this means. I don’t know what it actually looks or feels like to surrender to it in this way. I only know that I need to.

The constantly trying to justify, trying to control…it just isn’t working. Because this isn’t something that I can control. And I’ve been trying to for far too long now.

I can’t control these aspects of my life, so I just need to stop trying to.

I need to surrender to the fact that sometimes, I just need to let go, and give in.

To the emotions, to the process…to all of the things that I truly cannot control.

It’s time to surrender to it.

12 thoughts on “Surrendering.”

  1. I try to think of things I can’t control as black holes. Throwing energy at then doesn’t make them any smaller, and they just deplete my energy without giving me anything in return. Given that I barely have enough energy to be a slightly functional human being, I’ve got nothing to spare for black holes.

    1. Very true. There’s just no point in putting SO much energy and effort towards something that will never change in that way. Energy and effort is far too precious to waste.

  2. The fact you’re thinking about surrenderibg shows how far you’ve come already!
    I like to be in total control as well. For me it’s a means to not lose my bearings when doing something new. I do try to let go when it fails but I often just fail along with it.
    It’s a good way to see yourself surrendering to things you cannot change and to learn to accept them for what they are. I’m sure that it’s very hard and I wish you much 💪🏼 strength! 🍀

    1. Yes..acceptance plays a large role here as well. I’m starting to figure that out. Accepting things for as they are and just surrendering to it. Ugh, easier said than done…but necessary nonetheless.

      1. It’s definitely easy said and not easily done. But that first step is a very important one and hopefully makes taking the next step a tad easier! 🤗

    1. It really is necessary, but it’s so damn hard. And I really need to work on getting better at it. I think it’s a pretty common mentality to have though, just one that needs to be worked through.

  3. This is hard but so important! For me, surrendering meant stop banging my head against a brick wall, thinking that would move it—instead accept that the brick wall is there, even if I don’t like it. I don’t have to like it. But I will have a better life if I accept the wall and design strategies for living with it. My son has autism and some other undiagnosed developmental challenge. His father does not help at all logistically or financially. I have a history of repeated sexual abuse that sometimes gets triggered and knocks me off balance. My mother doesn’t know me and doesn’t seem interested in me. I fon’t like those things, but they make up parts of the brick wall in my life. I surrender (well, mostly; I forget sometimes) to the reality of the brick wall and try to make interesting paths and grow beautiful flowers all around it. And know that sometimes people will step on the flowers, but the garden will still be nice. It sounds like you are wanting to do this too. I think that’s wonderful, and the only way to find real contentment in our lives.

    1. Yes! That’s a great way to put it. It’s like I’m constantly trying to go through the wall and just hurting myself trying to walk into it, when I really just need to accept that it’s there and it isn’t going anywhere. So it’s time to decorate and make a new path.
      Very true.

  4. Pingback: Stop walking into the wall! - Something Worth Fighting For: Life Goes On

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