Well, I had a very familiar, very scary mindset set in on Friday. I had just gotten the kids to bed, no one else was home, and I was getting my own dinner ready.
Then, as I was standing there at the sink, I saw it. An open bottle of wine….just sitting there. Speaking to me, inviting me in.
Now, let me be clear. I am NOT a wine drinking kind of drinker. I mean, sure, I’ll supplement with wine if “necessary”, but it is in no way my drink of choice. I don’t even like how it tastes. (I know, right? Like, what kind of fucking alcoholic am I?)
Anyway, I just…I didn’t even think. It was like basic math. Kids in bed + Friday night + just a little bit won’t hurt = …sure? Drink a little?
So I poured a cute little juice glass of wine and drank it. And even though it was gross and unenjoyable…it was still so damn good.
I felt guilty, but I also didn’t. (It doesn’t really count as drinking, it’s not my “drink of choice”, I only had a little)…all of those little justifications.
The dangerous part came on Saturday morning. When, once again, I found myself in an enticing position. I was home alone, my husband took the kids out for a few hours…and there was that same bottle, just staring at me in the face.
And the justifications came on full force.
You’re home alone! That never happens! You deserve it.
A little doesn’t hurt!
You don’t even like wine. If you don’t like it, that doesn’t count either.
You’ve had a hard week, a hard life. You deserve it. It’s okay.
In the end, I didn’t do it. I didn’t allow myself to slide down that slippery slope on Saturday like I did the day before. I distracted myself away from it and told myself I would only regret it if I made that choice.
I’m glad I was able to not make that bad choice and slip into that rhythm again…but I know how easy, and how quickly, these patterns pick up.
I may not have fallen flat on my face this weekend…but I did definitely slip and stumble.
This will remain a lifelong challenge for me. And not one day of this challenge will be easy. But it’s a battle I know I have to face.
Because the alternative?
Well…that’s just unacceptable. And I do not want to go back there.
Ever.
Progress, not perfection, my beautiful friend! You made a positive (and difficult) choice on Saturday. Close the door on Friday evening, and celebrate Saturday morning. You’ve got this! 🤩
Yes…progress, not perfection. At least I made a better choice on Saturday. But then that’s slippery thinking too, because then I can set myself up for thinking “oh, it’ll be fine if I drink today since I won’t tomorrow”, or something like that. But I know I need to give myself some grace and just be glad things are still manageable.
It’s not as slippery as you might think. Eventually, by each small (and successful) decision, you will find that you’re better able to navigate those slick spots on the sidewalk. You’re stronger than you know; and I have absolute faith in you, Ms. Alana. 🥰
I hope so!!
You made a mistake, you justified it in all ways you could think of and the next day, you overcame that mistake and walked away! Don’t look back on that Friday but celebrate the success you had on Saturday, where you would not let the darker side persuade you to cross its lines again. Well done! It’s a rough battle, that’s for sure. But now, you won this round 💪🏼
Yes! I’m definitely glad that I made better choices on Saturday and stopped myself from sliding down that slippery slope. It’s definitely a small win, and I’ll take it.
A slip is just that a slip, don’t let it define your progress. Keep it up!
Definitely. Just have to keep moving forward.
That’s awesome that you won the battle on Saturday.
It felt like a win, even if it came after a loss, I’m still glad it wasn’t worse.
Good for you, for stopping the landslide! I think that’s every bit as big of an accomplishment as staying sober for years. My relapses always started with home-alone slips.
It does seem to be the easiest time to slip. But yeah, I’m glad it didn’t turn into worse. Even if I could have “justified” it.