When things just feel off

Well, this could be my last weekend still pregnant, and I was hoping it would be more…I don’t know. Enjoyable?

Instead, it’s been basically a rough weekend, and that does upset me. My kids are being…ugh. It’s just not the best time here right now. My 3 year old is currently going through a phase where he decides to wake up in the middle of the night and start loudly talking and singing in his bed for about 3 hours before he falls back asleep. This also leaves him COMPLETELY exhausted and overtired the next day, so I basically constantly have a very cranky 3 year old.

He’s not crying, he’s not upset, he just wakes up and instead of laying there trying to fall back asleep, he has a little party. But then he keep me awake, I get upset with him for doing it, my husband and I are arguing about how to solve this issue, and it’s just….it’s stressful.

Any time there is an issue with the kids, my husband and I tend to fall apart. We don’t agree on what to do and it just creates a lot of tension.

I wanted to spend this weekend feeling loved and taken care of and, well, basically just feeling like I matter, like I’m important.

As a person who has given birth 3 times before, and have days left until I’m going to again…I know what to expect. I know what my body is going to go through, and I know it isn’t pretty. Recovery will be rough, and that’s just the physical part.

So, yeah. I wanted to spend the weekend, possibly the last one I have left before everything changes, being wrapped in love and support and feeling everything other than stressed. But that’s just not how I feel.

I’ve even gone so far as to tell my husband exactly how I’m feeling and exactly what I wanted (crazy, I know), but it’s just not happening.

Honestly, it feels like he has been off since he came to therapy with me last week. He’s felt distant and kind of cold. And even though he is insisting that there’s nothing wrong and he’s not feeling a certain type of way about anything…something is off.

And of course, me being me, I can’t let go of that. I can’t possibly let go of the fact that something is off that I can’t immediately fix. So my anxiety spikes and spirals and I get more irritable, and that certainly doesn’t help anything at all.

Frankly, I’m feeling a little bit terrified of what’s to come. Of the baby, no. I am not at all afraid of, or for, him. I’m confident in my abilities as a mom to care for and deal with all that a newborn comes with. But I am absolutely terrified of everything else.

Of how my relationship with my husband will change, of how my kids will react and behave…

It’s a lot of change. For all of us. And quite frankly, the baby is the only part of the equation I feel mostly confident in. The biggest unknown is probably my biggest strength here. I know I will love him unconditionally, and caring for him will be mostly second nature to me.

But I need things with my husband to be solid. Because when they aren’t, that’s when everything falls apart.

When my husband and I are…less than perfect, I fall apart. I can’t handle it or accept it. And we’ve certainly hit rough patches in the past, so it’s not exactly an unreasonable concern.

Simply put, I am my worst when we are not okay. And yes, I’m catastrophizing and absolutely jumping to a worst case scenario, but that’s where my head goes.

Anyway, they all just left and went out. It was a rough morning, courtesy of an overtired toddler and a very pregnant me, but the day still has a chance.

Today could get better, tonight could be better.

So for now, I’ll just enjoy my quiet time, and hope for a better later.

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