Getting rough again

I’m starting to not feel very good again. I think I was okay for a second, or maybe not okay, but at least not stuck in the armpits of hell…but lately, I’m feeling really off again.

I’m doing the best I can, but my best feels really shitty. I feel angry and anxious and stressed and alone. So fucking alone.

Last night was rough. I felt awful. I felt alone and isolated and withdrawn, even though my husband was right there. Eventually he realized I was feeling a certain type of way and put in some effort to connect, but still, I felt completely alone.

This morning hasn’t gotten off to a better start. The first hour of my day, the quiet hour when I have coffee before I get the kids up, was fine. But then as soon as it was time to get up and get going, a switch flipped in my head and I immediately felt those anxious and angry feelings. Dreading the day ahead, of whats to come.

When I feel like this, I usually want to take it out on everyone around me. I feel bad, and my threshold for bullshit is very low. I snap easily, I’m more easily frustrated, and I want everyone around me to make me feel better. Usually that just falls to my husband.

I want him to make me feel better. I want him to love me through it. To show up and be there to comfort me and make me feel loved when I feel completely unlovable.

I think just these last few weeks of pregnancy have really taken it out of me. I’m so extremely swollen, I’m in horrific pain to the point where every step I take is unbearable, and I can’t breathe. I think this baby has grown 2 inches in the past week because his feet are constantly in my ribs now to the point where I definitely have some bruising. It sucks. My 3 year old has chosen this week to be difficult, and like I said. My bullshit threshold is very low. So it’s just…it’s a lot. All at once.

And I am over it.

I don’t know, I don’t know what’s going on or why I feel so bad. Maybe my hormones are changing because I’m getting ready to be in labor. Or maybe not, maybe life is just hard and shitty right now.

Either way, it’s a rough patch, and I’m feeling just so, so very over it. It’s hard to feel good about much of anything when there’s a head on your bladder and feet under your rib cage.

I’m anticipating this being a rough and bad day, but who knows. Maybe it will turn around and not be as horrific and I’m anticipating.

But so far, it’s just hard. It’s hard, and I am not feeling good about anything at all.

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