I’m sad, but I can’t admit it.

There’s not much I have to say right now. Or, maybe, more accurately, I’m feeling far too many things to know how to adequately put them into words.

I had therapy last night, and I don’t know. It was a little okay, a little interesting, and a little hard.

We did end up watching that video of my birth son, and it was…it was just fucking hard. I’ve taught myself to be so cold and emotionless and numb, but still.

It just really fucking hurt.

I didn’t act like it, it might not have seemed like it, but it was really hard on me.

I feel like I’m in purgatory right now. Waiting on one aspect of my life to be over while another one begins. It’s a weird place to be in, and every day feels like I’m living in the shadows.

I feel too afraid to feel honestly, too afraid to admit how I’m feeling. I don’t know why I have these emotional walls up higher than ever…but it feels bad. Really, really bad.

I’m living in a state of avoidance and numbness, and it’s doing nothing but hurting me. Acting like I’m fine, acting like nothing bothers me, like I’m stronger than it and better than it…when all I want to do is fall apart and allow myself to be the mess that I am.

I don’t know how I got here or why this feels so bad, but all I know is that this is where I am.

Last night was likely my last therapy session for at least a few weeks, and that’s a stressful thought in it if itself.

It’s all just a lot right now. I’m feeling a lot, I’m hurting, and I don’t know how to talk about it or how to put it into words.

So I didn’t, and I don’t. And that makes it hurt about 1,000 times worse and makes me feel alone and isolated on top of it.

2 thoughts on “I’m sad, but I can’t admit it.”

  1. It’s so true, hiding our emotions does make us feel more alone. And yet it feels risky to admit to or share emotions that maybe we were punished for revealing in the past. It’s a painful between-a-rock-and-a-hard-place to be, lonely and alienating. I’m really sorry you are there. I hope you can decide to share even a tiny bit with your husband, who seems to be such a good guy. Maybe admitting a little of it and seeing him accept that could help reduce your sense of loneliness? Or if you aren’t ready for that yet, it’s okay to take your time and just imagine that there might be a time in the future when you could let down that walk, just a little.

    1. It would definitely help if I shared and was more open with him, but even with him, I’m still so guarded. Unfortunately, drinking makes this much easier to do, but I’m trying so hard not to fall into that trap again. And I need to learn to do hard things without drinking.
      But yes, watching that video of my birth son with him and allowing him in in that way would probably be a good idea.

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