There’s not much I have to say right now. Or, maybe, more accurately, I’m feeling far too many things to know how to adequately put them into words.
I had therapy last night, and I don’t know. It was a little okay, a little interesting, and a little hard.
We did end up watching that video of my birth son, and it was…it was just fucking hard. I’ve taught myself to be so cold and emotionless and numb, but still.
It just really fucking hurt.
I didn’t act like it, it might not have seemed like it, but it was really hard on me.
I feel like I’m in purgatory right now. Waiting on one aspect of my life to be over while another one begins. It’s a weird place to be in, and every day feels like I’m living in the shadows.
I feel too afraid to feel honestly, too afraid to admit how I’m feeling. I don’t know why I have these emotional walls up higher than ever…but it feels bad. Really, really bad.
I’m living in a state of avoidance and numbness, and it’s doing nothing but hurting me. Acting like I’m fine, acting like nothing bothers me, like I’m stronger than it and better than it…when all I want to do is fall apart and allow myself to be the mess that I am.
I don’t know how I got here or why this feels so bad, but all I know is that this is where I am.
Last night was likely my last therapy session for at least a few weeks, and that’s a stressful thought in it if itself.
It’s all just a lot right now. I’m feeling a lot, I’m hurting, and I don’t know how to talk about it or how to put it into words.
So I didn’t, and I don’t. And that makes it hurt about 1,000 times worse and makes me feel alone and isolated on top of it.