The waiting game is on

Yesterday at my 38 week appointment, because yes, I’m still freaking pregnant, my doctor told me that I was already 3-4cm dilated. Which, yes, is a lot.

Usually, by the time you’re at 4cm, you’re already well on your way to being in active labor. But yeah, my body just doesn’t want to cooperate fully right now.

We were almost convinced I was in labor last night since I had some really strong contractions like every 7 minutes for nearly 4 hours…yet here we are. I think my uterus is just exhausted, honestly.

Anyway, right now the plan is that my doctor wants to induce me late on Monday night, like at 10pm, and then have baby boy early early on Tuesday morning. At this point, she is hoping that I don’t go into labor on my own and that I can make it to my induction day, because my labors are SO fast and I’m already pretty far progressed. She doesn’t really think it would be safe for me to be in labor and have it go as fast as they do and then not get to the hospital in time.

I get it. I feel that way too. With my last son, I didn’t get to the hospital until I was already at 8cm, and even then, I questioned if I was really even in labor. Water never broke, ever, he was literally nearly born with it still intact, and it was just chaos and a little scary.

So, again…now, we just wait. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. But either way, by Tuesday (assuming the hospital has a bed available), I will have a baby.

The reality of it has honestly scared the shit out of me, and hearing that I was already that dilated made it very much more real and more terrifying.

I’m kind of scared and I don’t want to do this. I don’t know exactly what I’m scared of, or what I’m feeling…but all I know is that I’m suddenly terrified and questioning everything that got me to this point.

I’m excited to meet and hold my baby boy, and I already love him more than I can even explain, but I’m beginning to be terrified of all of the inevitable change that it comes with.

Also, I don’t do well with extreme sleep deprivation. Not that anyone really does…

At this point, I’m not sure what I want. Not that it’s up to me, but I’m not sure if I’d prefer to go into labor on my own, or wait until my induction. It’s only a weekends difference, and even thought I initially would have very much preferred to do into labor on my own…I don’t exactly feel safe not being in the hospital, and I think I’d prefer it being in a safe and controlled environment.

Like I said, it isn’t up to me. It is what it is, no matter how I feel about it.

So now, we wait.

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