A peaceful, rainy last day. Maybe.

Well, if all goes according to plan, late tomorrow night is baby day.

As long as the hospital has a bed open (which really is very hit or miss), I’ll be getting induced late tomorrow night, like after 10pm, and we will have our baby boy here by early Tuesday morning. If there isn’t a bed open tomorrow night, I guess the plan would still be early Thursday morning…so I’m really hoping that they have one open for us.

I’m feeling….nervous, terrified, excited…I think I’m feeling everything possible. Having these last few days where I really know it’s coming to an end feels strange.

I wish I knew for sure, like that it would absolutely be tomorrow night vs Thursday morning…but that’s not something I can know until the last minute. That’s how it works with induction.

I’m a little bit worried that there is something wrong, because there’s absolutely no reason that I shouldn’t have gone into labor on my own at this point. I’m still having regular and frequent (and painful) contractions that are very real, but they just die out after a few hours. So it’s frustrating.

Since I do have a genetic disorder similar to muscular dystrophy, I was warned that I might have this issue. Since the uterus is a muscle, I was told that it’s very likely and common that it could fatigue itself and continuously stall and have prolonged and ineffective labor because of it. I do think that is what’s happening.

So, induction it is. And I’m fine with that. Being in a safe and controlled environment where I’ll be monitored is how 2 of my other 3 labors have gone. The only time I went into labor on my own was my last pregnancy nearly 4 years ago. So this, being induced, is familiar territory for me, and I’m not afraid of the process. I know exactly what to expect.

It’s been a good last weekend as a family of 4 and I guess I can’t really complain about that. We spent the day at a Halloween event at the zoo, and even though it was freaking 90° out, the kids insisted on wearing their costumes (Buzz Lightyear and a skeleton) and they had a fun time. I did not, being 39 weeks pregnant and hot and exhausted, but I’ll look back on it and be glad that we did it.

Today I’m hoping is a much quieter and calmer day. The weather is…basically absolutely perfect. The forecast is for rain today and tomorrow, and tomorrow should actually be much cooler!!! It might actually feel like October for one day this month.

This chapter of my life is coming to an end, and that’s a very bittersweet feeling. There’s a lot of unknowns, a lot of fear, but also a lot to look forward to.

I’m excited to meet this baby, but terrified of all that it comes with. I don’t know if he’ll be healthy, the extent of his health issues, I don’t know if he’ll fit in seamlessly with our family and what we have going on, I don’t know how demanding my other 2 boys will be of my time after he is born…I don’t know anything.

But even with all of the unknowns, there’s still something to look forward to. I’m hoping this forces me to grow as a person and that I get better from this. Not worse, not more impatient, more short, more frustrated…I hope this experience is a positive one, and when I look back on it, that’s how I remember it.

I hope that my relationship with my husband, while solid now, can withstand the immense amount of stress it’s about to go under. That will always be a fear of mine, and I just so badly need us to be solid.

I can’t predict the future, and I could sit here all day thinking about all of the “what ifs”, but that won’t change or solve anything.

So, today, on what may very well be my last full day being pregnant…I’m just going to try to relax, and find peace and calm and stillness. I’m going to enjoy the rain, eat whatever and as much as I want, drink coffee, sleep (maybe), and just…be.

Soon, my life will look very different. And my time will be controlled and demanded of by a newborn. And that’s exciting but scary. So for today, I think of me and I focus on myself and my needs.

Because after today? Well, that simply won’t be possible.

And just like that, the rain is falling.

Perfect.

Time for soup.