Hoping to get back on track

For the first time in 3 weeks, and for the first time since I had the baby, I finally have therapy tonight. Honestly, it’s much needed, and it couldn’t be coming at a better time.

I wish I could have gone last week, but I know I probably wasn’t ready yet physically.

I won’t lie, I’ve been struggling. Besides the anxiety I was dealing with, I think I actually did okay for the first week or so postpartum. Then, shit seemed to hit the fan.

Drinking became an option again, and I took it. This isn’t the path I want to head down again, but I can tell I’m on the path. And I know I need to get off of it. Quickly.

To be honest, I’m feeling like shit right now. Emotionally, I’m all over the place. And now I’m like a kid in a candy shop. I’m no longer pregnant, which means that physically, I’m free to drink as much as I want to. And that’s a scary place to be in.

I feel very…left alone to my own devices…if you will. I don’t exactly have…just like…a ton of support right now.

With some things? Yes, I have support. But with the drinking thing? I very much feel left to my own to deal with it. My husband more or less turns a blind eye, I haven’t been in therapy in weeks, and this isn’t an issue I’m open with in life. So I really have no one helping or supporting me with it.

I guess I sort of did that myself, it’s not something I’m open about, so of course no one will be there for me. But still…it feels lonely. And it feels scary. Because I know that I’m failing. I can feel every bad decision coming back to haunt me. I’m drinking even when I don’t want to.

Because even if I don’t want to…I still do.

Some bad shit has happened to me over the past week. Some I’ve talked about, some I haven’t. And it’s seriously all just got me so fucked up that I just don’t know what to do about it.

All I can say is that it feels lonely. And scary.

I want to do better. I want to get off of this fucking path, because I know where it leads. And I just don’t want to go there again.

But for a person who says they don’t want to be on this path…I’m not exactly doing much to get off of it either.

And that’s pretty scary, too.

7 thoughts on “Hoping to get back on track”

  1. Feeling lonely without being alone sucks, and I hope you can find the courage to open up to at least one person close to you, so you can get the support you are craving. You are brave for admitting you have a problem and acknowledging you have a hard time getting off this path. I wish you clear guidance to follow the road you WANT to be on. Sending virtual hugs 🫂

    1. Thank you. Yes, hopefully therapy will be helpful tonight in figuring my shit out and getting back in a better place. It’s hard to open up, but I know I need to.

  2. I am an alcoholic too and I know how hard it is. I used grief as an excuse to drink last night (well that and some nasty PMS) and now I am in bed with a headache. Hope you feel less alone soon and are able to get a handle on sobriety. It’s a beast.

    1. I did too. I know I need to get it back on track before it gets out of hand again though. Hopefully we both can. But grief definitely is a convenient excuse. It really is a beast

  3. I hope you will find someone you feel good enough with to confide in them. I do believe that honestly talking about anything and everything can help you feel better about it. You are very important to many people and it’s good that you’re admitting you have a problem. And that you’re willing to fight against it. I hope you can resist your darkest monsters and that therapy helps you on the right path. 🤗

    1. Being honest and vulnerable is something I’ve always hard a hard time with. Even with my therapist, who I’ve been seeing for 7 years now, vulnerability doesn’t come easily.
      But yeah, everything is always a lot better when I am able to open up and be real. Whether that’s writing or talking to people…I know that makes things better

      1. It can be very hard to find someone to trust, that’s for sure. I’m glad writing also helps you. I’m here if you’d like to chat, I may not understand everything but I’ll always be honest about it. 😊 Sending big hugs your way and I hope it’s going a tad better already. ♥

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