For the first time in 3 weeks, and for the first time since I had the baby, I finally have therapy tonight. Honestly, it’s much needed, and it couldn’t be coming at a better time.
I wish I could have gone last week, but I know I probably wasn’t ready yet physically.
I won’t lie, I’ve been struggling. Besides the anxiety I was dealing with, I think I actually did okay for the first week or so postpartum. Then, shit seemed to hit the fan.
Drinking became an option again, and I took it. This isn’t the path I want to head down again, but I can tell I’m on the path. And I know I need to get off of it. Quickly.
To be honest, I’m feeling like shit right now. Emotionally, I’m all over the place. And now I’m like a kid in a candy shop. I’m no longer pregnant, which means that physically, I’m free to drink as much as I want to. And that’s a scary place to be in.
I feel very…left alone to my own devices…if you will. I don’t exactly have…just like…a ton of support right now.
With some things? Yes, I have support. But with the drinking thing? I very much feel left to my own to deal with it. My husband more or less turns a blind eye, I haven’t been in therapy in weeks, and this isn’t an issue I’m open with in life. So I really have no one helping or supporting me with it.
I guess I sort of did that myself, it’s not something I’m open about, so of course no one will be there for me. But still…it feels lonely. And it feels scary. Because I know that I’m failing. I can feel every bad decision coming back to haunt me. I’m drinking even when I don’t want to.
Because even if I don’t want to…I still do.
Some bad shit has happened to me over the past week. Some I’ve talked about, some I haven’t. And it’s seriously all just got me so fucked up that I just don’t know what to do about it.
All I can say is that it feels lonely. And scary.
I want to do better. I want to get off of this fucking path, because I know where it leads. And I just don’t want to go there again.
But for a person who says they don’t want to be on this path…I’m not exactly doing much to get off of it either.
And that’s pretty scary, too.