Appreciating progress, even if it’s small

Therapy.

It went well, even though it was short. (One hour as opposed to 2 hours, which it typically is.)

We talked about a few things, but drinking held the spotlight. And how I need to…not.

She was blunt with me, which I always appreciate. I get more out of therapy when she is direct and blunt, even if it’s with something I don’t want to hear.

I think the thing that was most helpful about last night was when we were talking about drinking, and one of the reasons that the urge is so strong right now is because at the end of the day, when all the kids and the baby are asleep for the night, I just want something that makes me feel done. Like, I’ve done it, the day is over, I got the baby to sleep, and now I have this thing for me.

It’s a very satisfying feeling, to be done for the day, and to have that one thing for myself. That drink, that whatever it is…it just feels good. It feels complete. Like, I did something, and now I have this nice thing all to myself.

So, before next week, I’m supposed to find something to replace that with. Something to replace the alcohol with. So that I still have that something at the end of the day, something to look forward to or to have or whatever…but that isn’t alcohol.

And that’s honestly a really good idea, and I can see that being potentially super helpful…the only issue is that I have no idea what I would replace it with.

I only had one drink last night instead of two, so I’m glad I was able to do a better job with that. Even though I wanted more, I didn’t do it.

The baby had a rough night last night, and I was counting on getting some extra rest this morning. But my husband has an appointment with his trainer at the gym this morning, which means I’m on my own with the 3 kids. And after a night of basically no sleep, I don’t exactly feel like dealing with anyone, let alone…well, my kids…but here we are.

At least he was able to give me 20 minutes to myself before he left to drink my coffee. A version of me without caffeine is not my favorite.

I’m feeling very triggered and anxious this morning, and I know I’m going to struggle today with dealing with wanting to drink. To be honest, all I want is a spiked coffee while the baby takes a long nap.

I’m feeling lonely and uneasy. And a week feels like a long time before I have therapy again.

For now, I guess I’ll just try to appreciate the fact that last night, I did better. I didn’t drink even though I wanted to, and I tried to be open in therapy…even when that was…harder than it should have been.

I have a long road ahead of me, and I know I need to make better choices along the way.

But all I can do is try. And if I fail…I guess I’ll just start over. That’s just the way it is.

I didn’t want to leave the baby just yet, so my husband came and sat in the car with him while I was in therapy. But of course, we brought him in to say hello, and he just had to sit in the chair I always sit in in the waiting room. It might not look like it, but he was impressed. I promise.