Well, for the first time in nearly a year, and since the beginning of my pregnancy 10 months ago…it happened. I’m almost out of alcohol.
I stopped drinking as soon as I got pregnant, which means that all of the alcohol I had already went unused and untouched, waiting for me to return to it, should I choose to do so.
Well, it’s happened. Here we are. The drinking started again (slowly but surely), and now the end of the supply is here.
Because of my physical limitations, and the fact that I’m a stay at home mom of now 3 kids, I don’t really go out. Shopping is either done online, to be delivered, or by my husband. So when it comes to things like alcohol…..it creates conflict.
Unfortunately for me, you can’t Instacart or DoorDash liquor. Sucks, I know. But that means an in person outing. Well, because of my physical limitations, I freaking hate going out for any reason, let alone actually shopping.
Add on top of that the fact that I’m usually (aside from my husband being on paternity leave) home alone all day, every day, with the kids…I’m just not going to go out to any kind of store unless someone’s life depended on it. And I’m certainly not going to drag my children out to a liquor store for my own selfish reasons.
So, that leaves my husband and I with a familiar….spot of tension. He knows it’s pretty much his job to get me the alcohol I so desire. And if he doesn’t, he knows he’ll have a seriously pissed off wife.
But he also doesn’t condone my drinking, and doesn’t want to encourage it either. Which puts him in a difficult position, I’m sure.
Last night I jokingly mentioned that “he’ll have to go to his favorite store tomorrow” and he passive aggressively replied that “I think I’m done with that phase of my life now”. I know he hates going to buy alcohol, but he still does it. Because on a certain level, as much as he may not want me to drink in the same fashion that I used to….he knows that me drinking a little bit does serve him.
If I were a “normal” person, me having a drink or 2 after all the kids are in bed would be no problem. I think a large majority of people have a drink or 2 quite often, regardless of whether or not kids or asleep. So it shouldn’t be a problem for me to do the same thing.
Except for the fact that I’m not a “normal” person. And the relationship I have with alcohol is anything but healthy or typical. Right now, my drinking is very “reasonable”. I have a ( strong) drink or 2 after the baby is asleep, and I know I have between 5 and 7 hours before I need to feed him again. There’s nothing wrong with that.
But I know the only reason my drinking is “reasonable” right now is because I’m so exhausted. I can pretty much count on being up for the day by 4am now. As good of a sleeper as the baby is, he will NOT go back to sleep after 3am. He stays up until 6 or 7am, at which point my other 2 kids are up.
As soon as this lovely phase is over and I’m actually sleeping reasonable amounts again, I know I’ll quickly lose control of the seemingly “reasonable” amounts that I’m drinking.
Today, I’m out of my favorite liquor for the first time in a year. I don’t want to get it myself, and my husband hates doing it. To be honest, it’s really quite selfish of me to even ask him. But he loves me, and I know he really would do anything I ask of him.
I wish this wasn’t a spot of tension in our marriage, but as long as I’m drinking, it always will be.
I’m probably overthinking this, and I know it’s not as big of a deal as I’m making it. I could just get over it.
I could just not drink.
Except that I can’t.
Anyway, I’m just glad today is Friday. I’m glad it’s the weekend tomorrow. I don’t love functioning on 4-5 hours of sleep, and I’m hoping to be able to catch up on rest today.
I have a lot to be grateful for, I know that. My husband loves me, and I’ll never be too sure why. But he does, and I’ll always appreciate the good times we have.
I hate this internal battle I have with myself. Sometimes I wish it was easier, that I didn’t have to battle myself. That I could do what I wanted without guilt…but I can’t.
I know I have a lot to fight for. I just have to keep fighting.
Even when it sucks.
Hugs! I don’t know if you see it, but you are gaining a lot of self awareness right now. Recovery isn’t limited to times of abstinence. You are growing now, and it is all a part of the learning process.
I didn’t see it that way. Thanks for putting it that way, it makes sense. Hopefully I keep growing and go in the right direction
It is definitely a hard struggle. And while I understand both of your sides, of course I hope the reason of your husband can take over… As it would in the end also be better for you.
Would it help if he only got some low alcohol beverages? So you still have a slight bit of the buzz but it won’t pull you into the depts of being seriously pissed and bad?
I know enabling is not the best solution, but if it can be managed a wee bit by somethingike this? It could be a nice place to start. And maybe some day your self awareness is that good that you don’t even need the heavy stuff anymore to function.
Sending big hugs and I hope things will go OK. And if you want, feel free to email me! I’ll always reply asap and I’m there for ya. You’re not fighting alone. 🤗
Thank you. Yeah, I know I need to do better. Hopefully one day things like this won’t ever be an issue anymore.
You don’t need to do better, you need to do it differently! You’re coping from a survival instinct which tells you to numb and maybe hide. You need to change that into a more healthy coping system. You’re not doing bad, you don’t need to do better, but you need to do it differently!
OK, this is just my opinion but I do hope it helps! 🤗
You’re right, I need to do something different. I just need to figure out what that looks like
I’m afraid that’s something I cannot answer. Maybe there’s a game you can play when you need to escape the real world? Or something that can take your mind of the bad things without the need to drown it? Maybe your therapist can offer some advice on it, as I’m sure she will also tell you it’s not doing better that helps but doing differently… I need to use my own advice with food and I’m trying, but it also takes time to implement something new… Allow yourself the time to adapt 🤗
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