When you just feel so triggered

There’s something about this time of year that can be particularly triggering.

I have my own traumas and triggers surrounding this time of year, and I don’t know if it’s those things in particular that are triggering me, or if it’s just life in general…but I am having a hard time right now.

My brother left, Thanksgiving is over, and my husband’s paternity leave is officially coming to and end. On Monday he will go back to work for the first time in almost 6 weeks since the baby was born…and I am dreading it.

Him being home has been amazing. We both supported each other and didn’t step on each others toes or have any tension. He’s been an amazing support and has helped in every way that I’ve needed him to.

But now, I’m on my own again. Being home alone all day, every day, with a 6 year old, a 4 year old, and a newborn.

Fuck.

I think that might be the actual definition of hell.

My oldest son has been extremely difficult lately. To the point where both my husband and I have just stopped fighting it. There comes a point where your sanity has to come first, and if that means letting my son get away with attention seeking behaviors…than so be it. I can’t win all the battles, and I’m choosing not to take this one.

I think it has to do with the time of year. Last year at this exact same time of year, he did the same thing. I don’t know what it is, or why…but holy shit is it triggering for me. He isn’t bad…he isn’t violent or destructive…he’s just a pain in the ass, frankly. (I say this out of love.)

Even if it is just a phase, or his way of handling the excitement of the year, or a result of all the changes going on in all of our lives right now…it’s still hard.

I can admit that some of his behaviors are specifically triggering for me, and sometimes I react stronger than I should because of that. I constantly need to check myself to make sure I’m not overreacting. And that constant struggle is exhausting. On top of everything else, it’s just simply exhausting.

Last night, I was having a hard time. The kids were finally in bed, and it was the first time I finally felt free all day. Not a slave to anyone or anything.

And what do I do to “celebrate” that feeling every night? Drink.

I’ve been doing a semi decent job at moderating my drinking since the baby was born, but last night I had a hard time stopping.

I already had 3 drinks, maybe more…and I had my hand on another. I knew that drink would be an awful decision, seeing as I would have to be awake with the baby at some point hours later and I didn’t want to overdo it and be too tired.

I had my hand on that drink. But I stopped myself, and I put it back instead. I’m proud of myself for making that choice, but I know the only reason I did was because of the baby, and having to wake up with him later. Once he’s sleeping through the night, I don’t think I’ll be able to make that same choice.

This time of year is hard. And it takes all of me to survive it. With my husband going back to work and things being as hard as they are…I know I’m going to be overwhelmed. And I’m going to want to deal with it by drinking.

I considered self harm last night too. For the first time in a while, I almost broke and gave in.

I know I need to be stronger. I need to be less, well, triggered.

Things aren’t going to get easier. In fact, they’re about to get drastically harder. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared. I absolutely am.

But I need to do better. Even when things are hard, I need to do better. I need to find a way to deal with things other than by drinking.

I’m scared of what will happen if I keep going down this path. But I owe it to myself to at least try to do better…otherwise, I know what will happen.

And it isn’t pretty.