The day I’ve been dreading

Well, here it is. Today is the day that I’ve been dreading for the past 6 weeks. My husband is going back to work, and I will once again be on my own, all day, every day, with all 3 kids.

This shouldn’t be a big deal. I’m used to being home with my 2 boys all day. But now we have a 6 week old baby thrown into the mix.

To be honest…the baby isn’t the part that concerns me. He’s easy enough. What concerns me is my oldest son. His behavior can be challenging at times, and it’s gotten exponentially worse over the past few weeks with all of the routine change. He’s a good boy, but insanely smart and really thrives with structure.

Dealing with him on the rough days completely and totally drains me. It leaves me with absolutely nothing in the tank, and it’s exhausting.

The funny part is that he is exactly like me. So I have no room to complain here. But holy shit. Sometimes I just wish it was easier.

On top of that, I’m only getting 4 hours of sleep a night and I’m completely and totally miserable and exhausted. I’m so tired that it literally hurts.

Having my husband home with me the last 6 weeks has been amazing. I’ve mostly been able to focus on the baby while he helped me with our 6 and 4 year old. Honestly, this is the first time in 4 years that I’ve gotten any sort of help when it comes to day to day parenting, so the change has been….extremely welcoming.

Im pretty used to doing everything on my own. From breakfast to bedtime, it’s all me.

But I genuinely enjoy my husbands company (usually). And aside from just the increased workload…I’m going to miss spending every day with my best friend. We worked fucking hard to get to this place in our relationship, and I won’t take these days of love and friendship for granted.

Last night, after I got the baby to bed and I was going to make myself a drink, my usually very passive husband said “if you want me to help you stop drinking, just let me know. If you feel like it’s starting to be too much, I’ll help you”.

He said it in a “joking” way…but I knew the words he said really meant something. I have been struggling more with alcohol, and I’m sure it’s become apparent and familiar to him. It’s not out of control, but do I wake up every morning regretting it? Yes.

I have therapy tonight, and it couldn’t come at a better time. Today will be rough and brutal and long as hell, but at least it will end with therapy. No matter how bad my day is, and trust me, it will be bad, if only because it’s an adjustment…at least it will end with therapy, and hopefully I will leave feeling better.

My goal today is just to survive. It’s day 1 of our new normal, and it will be an adjustment. If we all survive, I’ll consider it a success.

All I have to do is make it to bedtime.