I need some time.

We are finally home from the hospital and Atlas is recovering from RSV with us at home now. It was a long and absolutely exhausting week. We got home Friday night, had a mostly normal Saturday, and then an awful Sunday.

On Sunday, we had a great day lined up. We were so glad to be home from the hospital, and we were planning on doing a lot of Christmas things. Decorating, last minute shopping, and then taking our boys to ride the Polar Express! They’ve been asking about it all year and we were so excited to take them.

But then my son who is almost 6 woke up with a horrible migraine and spent the whole day feeling miserable and laying on the couch. Needless to say, we weren’t going anywhere. Ugh. Thankfully, we never told them our plans, so no one felt disappointed. Except for my husband and I, who both felt so awful.

For the past month, literally, since Thanksgiving, it’s just been one thing after another. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted from it all.

What I desperately need more than ANYTHING right now is just some damn time to myself. I need some time. Time to be okay again, to breathe again, and to find myself. Even just for a few hours.

We spent almost the entire week in the hospital last week. Then we have to cancel the one thing my kids were so hoping to do this year. Everyone (but me) has been sick, and I’m just over it all. I’m behind on wrapping and gift buying and everything Christmas related. I haven’t shipped out my birth sons gifts yet and that makes me feel like complete shit…I’m just…I’m so tired.

The baby is still sleeping in our room, and that kind of makes me feel like a prisoner. Like, even after he goes to bed, I’m too afraid to move or talk or watch tv because I’m so worried that I’ll wake him up. So even my very few “off” hours are still riddled with anxiety and feelings that are anything other than relaxed.

And to top it all off, I feel like crap because my period is trying to come back, which, frankly, is just rude because the baby still isn’t sleeping through the night and I’m still breastfeeding. So…yeah. That’s just rude. In my opinion.

Ugh. I’m just over it all. Truly. But today is Monday, so that means I have therapy. Unfortunately this is the last time I’ll have it this year because the next 2 weeks she won’t be there…and I’m truly dreading that. I don’t want to be on my own and my mental health is really starting to tank.

I think I’d do okay with a break. But this whole being on 24/7 thing?

It’s taking too much out of me.

I think it would take too much out of anyone.

I guess for today…I’m just grateful to be home and out of the hospital. Last week was brutal, and seeing my tiny, 8 week old baby being so sick is not something I want to go through again.

I will take the wins as they come, and that is definitely a win.

But damn, do I need some time to exist, just as me. Just for a little while.