Maybe I’m broken

What are you trying to fix me for?
Maybe I’m broken but I’m not sure
Am I depressed or am I just bored?
Apathy and irony, post modern anxiety

Safe to say I know I’m not the only one…..
And I don’t have time for all this time I’ve wasted

Tell me you’re okay, yeah, what’s that like?
Rose tinted glasses, that must be nice
Doing your best while you die inside
Apathy and irony, post modern anxiety

(And my therapist hates me)…..

What are you trying to fix me for?
Maybe I’m broken but I’m not sure
Am I depressed or am I just

Tell me you’re okay, yeah, what’s that like?
Rose tinted glasses, that must be nice
Doing your best while you die inside

Time to face up to the inevitable
(While the world was sleeping)
I guess it feels good to know that I’m not alone

————————-

That’s the song I had on blast as I drove home from therapy last night. This morning I woke up hating myself and feeling pretty miserable. I don’t have therapy for the next 3 weeks because of the holidays, and that thought alone has me feeling a very particular kind of fucked up.

I don’t know if I have the words to explain how I’m feeling this morning, but it isn’t good. I just don’t feel good.

The lyrics in this song perhaps explain it best. I’m just feeling very broken, very dead inside, and very not okay. I came home and drank too much last night and I don’t even know why. Therapy didn’t go badly. It was fine. It wasn’t great, but it was fine.

But halfway through I started to get some really bad feelings about myself and just in general. I started hating myself and just feeling really…ugh, I don’t know. I could tell it was coming, I could feel it.

I absolutely hate the fact that I won’t have therapy for 3 weeks. That’s as long as I had to take off after the baby was born and it freaking sucked. I don’t do well with breaks or transitions or being left on my own. I’m worried about how I’m feeling and what I’m going to do about how I’m feeling.

I’m in a dangerous place with my drinking, and I know I need to get a handle on that before it gets worse. But that’s inexplicably hard to do.

Right now I just feel alone and crappy. I’m not interested in dealing with these next 3 weeks on my own, I hate myself, and I’m kind of just over it all.

I wish I was a better person. I wish I didn’t suck.