Unspoken or unspeakable?

Okay. Here we go.

Something happened, and I don’t know how to talk about it.

But before we go any further, if you’re here reading this and asking yourself “is she talking about the thing that happened with that person last year?” The answer is no, that is not what I’m talking about here.

Honestly, I’ve thought about, and tried to start this post a few different times now. I feel a bit….calmer…now than I did a few hours ago, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still hurting.

Someone did something that hurt me very badly over the weekend. While you may view me as a strong and capable individual…I don’t view myself that way. And there are some things that I am particularly weak to.

I’ll be honest. I sat in the shower and thought about dying and about all of the ways I could self harm without anyone noticing. There never seems to be a good place for it, and someone noticing it or questioning it is basically worst case scenario. Why can’t I ever do what I need to do without judgement?

I don’t know if I want to get into what’s it was that yet me because honestly, I’m not sure if it matters. All that matters is that I was hurt and that I am hurt. My feelings about it are what matters. I’m not sure anything else is relevant.

I don’t do secretive and I don’t do half truths. So I will be honest and say that it is sexual in nature. But I also question my own reactions to this type of thing, and if nothing else, I come with a fucking boatload of baggage because of my past.

I have been hurt an immeasurable amount of times in this regard, so for that reason, I question the legitimacy of my intense feelings towards something like this.

But last night went better than I thought it would despite me feeling hurt. I used my words and communicated my feelings and didn’t drown myself at the bottom of the bottle.

I have therapy tonight, and I spent nearly all day writing yesterday. So I’ll have that to bring with me, and hopefully I’ll be able to talk about the things that are bothering me too.

All said and done, I feel a little bit better this morning than I did yesterday. So I guess that’s a good thing. I drank more than I wanted to last night, but I also did limit it and did not allow it to get out of hand.

I’ll take the wins, even if they’re small.

Progress, not perfection.

2 thoughts on “Unspoken or unspeakable?”

  1. Alana, your feelings are legit, and your “no” always means “no.” If you feel disrespected, you have every right to set a boundary and to have that boundary respected.

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