Not giving up just yet

My mental health is currently….well, it’s concerningly bad.

Lately, it seems that the majority of my nights are spent thinking of, wishing of death. Life has become too hard, too consuming. I no longer see an option of peace within my days, so I’m looking for calmness in other options.

I don’t see death as a reward. I see it as an escape. But it’s an escape that holds the potential for what I’m seeking…peace and stillness. I wish so incredibly desperately to find that amongst the living….but lately I’m questioning that.

The way my life is right now, there is exactly 0 time for me to rest or recover or recuperate.

I’m so incredibly grateful for the lives in which I’ve been entrusted. But DAMN am I exhausted. I am constantly on 24/7. And that has drained me.

I’ve been opening up more about the realities of my drinking, and while it does kind of feel like a weight lifted off of me to have a person that I’m honest with about it, the truth of what’s really going on is kind of crushing me.

I don’t really have a lot to say today other than that. The road I’m on is leading me straight to my own personal hell. My nights are definitely not in my control any longer, and things have gone from bad to worse very quickly.

But I’m working on it. I’m going to keep working on it. I know the best thing I can do is to be honest with the people in my life that are there to support me, and to be honest with myself. Even when I’m writing, sometimes I hold back.

But I hate where I am and I hate how I feel. So I know I need to do better.

Honesty feels like a good start.

In the words of my best friend, my kids deserve me at my best even when they’re sleeping. And that’s very true. She’s right. And I know I need to do better.

I don’t want to lose this battle, but it is getting a little exhausting.

5 thoughts on “Not giving up just yet”

  1. Alana, 5 years ago I was living in such a hell, that I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and no hope for my future. It was those 6 am conversation with my yoga teacher that kept me from ending things permanently.

    Now…My life is 100% different and I don’t even look like the same person! There is a path through.

    You need to set boundaries. You need to prioritize yourself.

    Doing that work is scary, but it can leaf to the creation of an entirely new, wonderful reality. Sure, I still struggle with things, but not a day goes by when I am not grateful that I chose to keep going back in that dark time.

    You have control over your situation, even if it is over the tiniest things. You can do this

    1. Those conversations really can be life changing. I’m glad you have her and I’m glad you’re here.
      The path is hard and sometimes I wonder if I’m anywhere near it, let alone on it.

      I want so much better for myself and I really do hope I can get there.

    2. What are your triggers? Write them down. To stop doing the thing that’s hurting us we have to be more aware and more intentional! 💕 You can beat this!

  2. Oh Alana,
    I desperately want to know the right words to write to you, but I don’t know them. I do know that you are very brave for writing this blog, to putting yourself out there. We’re here to read, to support, to hope with you, to root for you.
    You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, and yes, you need to make time for yourself. I know how hard it is as a mom. Sending you love and hugs 🫂

    1. Thank you. It is hard, it feels impossible sometimes.
      I don’t always feel strong, but I appreciate you saying it. I just need to keep hanging on.

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