I often struggle to find the words to have open and honest conversations. I’m really good at helping people, I’m really good at offering advice, at being there for others…but when it comes to myself, I just don’t know how to offer the same vulnerability.
Lately I’ve been really trying to have more honest and vulnerable conversations with the people in my life that I’m close to. I’m trying to be real and open and honest. But the problem is, I can’t seem to do that without drinking.
My husband and I have been having some conversations that we needed to have, which is good. I’m glad we’re talking and being open, but these conversations are happening late at night, and to be honest, I don’t always fully remember exactly what was said in the morning.
I’m struggling with my feelings right now, and I’m not dealing with them in the best way. I’m definitely drinking more to cope with it, and I don’t know how else to handle things.
I’m finding that I’m a lot more depressed and anxious lately too. And all I want to do is self medicate the feelings away.
As much as I want to be a better version of myself and drink significantly less…I also really want to self medicate these feelings away. I’ve been having some pretty serious cravings for things that I used to do.
I feel like my thoughts are consumed with the idea of self medicating and numbing myself. I want to drink, I want to take pills…I just want to escape.
It’s like all I want to do is run. Run from feelings, run from the pain, run from myself. And I know that I can’t. I know that I need to stop running.
I need to show up for myself and for my family. But right now, I just don’t want to.
My negative feelings are winning, and I know that they’re holding me back. I have to fight these cravings. Just because I want to do something doesn’t mean I should.
Right now it kind of feelings like I have one foot out the door on my life. But that’s not okay, and I need to bring both feet back in.
Maybe I should start by having some of those honest conversations with people while I’m sober.