The wrong mentality

Maybe this is an excuse, maybe it’s not…but sometimes, my drinking feels only as bad as the mentality behind it.

Regardless of the numbers, of the ounces, of the amount of times I fill up the glass…what feels more concerning is the mentality behind it. Am I drinking because I’m sad? Because I’m anxious? Because it’s a better alternative to killing myself? Am I too tired to want to, but doing it anyway?

If I’m drinking in conjunction with a negative headspace, in my opinion, that’s far more self destructive than drinking because of…whatever else.

Lately, and honestly, usually…I’m drinking because I’m in a negative headspace. I want to die. I’m sad. I’m extremely fucking anxious. I deserve this, I deserve to drink to feel better.

Whatever it is…it isn’t good.

My headspace has been a negative one, and it’s driving me to drink more. More and more mornings, this one included, I wake up regretting the night before. Angry with myself for my lack of control over the situation, and feeling like a failure.

Honestly, my mentality surrounding alcohol is never good. But sometimes I do convince myself that if I’m not drinking out of negative feelings than it’s fine. And I know that isn’t right either.

I’ve been doing well with my “measuring” goal this week so far, though last night I really didn’t want to. Last night, my mentality fell in line with “I don’t want to measure, I just want to pour shit into a glass and drink it”.

I want to do better tonight than I have been. I want to wake up feeling better about myself than I have the past few days.

I’ve started talking less and drinking more. And that’s a big problem. I’m shutting down and withdrawing, and I’m allowing the pain to exist and consume me, while trying to drown it out with alcohol.

I’m sorry I’m a failure.