Fragile, but fighting.

Well, we did it. We finally got our power back on last night after 3 days in the dark. It was cold but we survived.

I did not do well with my drinking goal last night. I’ve been struggling a lot with darker thoughts lately and I think because of that, I’m compensating by drinking more. And then I regret it and say I’m not going to do that again…it’s not a fun cycle to be stuck in.

I’m glad the weekend is here. It’s been a long (and dark) week and I’m ready for some more relaxed time. Not relaxing, but relaxed. At least there’s no schedule to adhere to.

My husband will probably end up taking my 2 older sons out at some point today, so I’ll just be home with the baby. At least the house will be quiet, if nothing else. I can always appreciate the quietness.

I am starting to take my weekly goals in therapy more seriously. I’ve tried to stick with it as much as possible, but sometimes it’s hard. Last night was hard. Honestly, I think I’ll feel a little bit relieved if and when I ever do get sober. Like it’ll be this huge weight, this immense pain that’s finally been lifted off of me.

Even if I’m failing, I’m proud of myself for taking it more seriously. I’m just tired of all of it. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of causing myself more pain because of the amount that I’m drinking…it’s been a long time of being in this fucked up cycle, and I think I’m ready to be done with it.

Of course I say that after a bad night, and my mentality is always a bit different after a night of drinking too much.

I’m just feeling really raw and sad right now. The self destructive thoughts are getting bigger and bigger, and I’m fighting them with all I have…but I am getting tired.

On a positive note, my mom had her heart procedure and they said everything looked good and she’s cleared from a cardiac perspective for now. So I’m definitely relieved about that. Now we’re “just” dealing with cancer, and her surgery for that this week.

Anyway, I’m just glad it’s Saturday. I’m in some serious need of some self care and maybe even some self love. Maybe I need to spend the day forgiving myself instead of hating myself.

I just feel like I’m in an incredibly fragile place right now. And I’m hoping that I don’t shatter.