Powerless

Aside from the drama I’m about to tell you, I’ll fist start off by saying that we’re currently in an icy winter storm, and we’ve had no power since yesterday, and likely won’t for a few more days.

Yaaaaaay Texas.

Anyway.

What I have yet to disclose or talk about, is that my mom was very recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Over the course of a month, all of our lives have turned upside down. We went from absolutely nothing being wrong, to her now suddenly having cancer.

She was scheduled to have surgery to remove the cancer next Thursday.

HOWEVER.

2 days ago, she was seen by her cardiologist because of some abnormalities found during her pre surgical testing. They found an abnormal EKG. So they did another one, and a stress test echocardiogram.

Abnormal.

What the doctor said was that it looked like, from the test results, that she has had 2 heart attacks.

I’m sorry…what the fuck?!

How does someone have 2 heart attacks and not know it? Not have obvious symptoms?

So she was supposed to go today to get an angiogram to see more closely what was going on.

But…Texas. And there was an “ice storm”, and everyone lost power and everything is closed, so her procedure was cancelled.

Then, last night at at around 11pm, my dad told me he was taking my mom to the ER because she was having chest pains. So they went and they kept her overnight for observation. Since she’s now in the hospital, even though they canceled her procedure for today due to the power being out, she will now be getting her heart catheterization done today. So at least something “good” came out of it.

Whether or not these pains are a result of a placebo effect from being told she’s got a bad heart, or if in fact they are indicative of an actual problem…I’m just glad she went and is trying to stay proactive about her health.

I’m only 28. I’m not ready to lose my mom. I’m not ready for any of this. It sucks and I hate it. I’ve kept it to myself and have not shared or been open about it, but I think it’s time now. It’s something that’s been upsetting me and keeping me up at night, and I don’t know. It’s just a lot to take in all at once.

I want everything to be okay, but there’s nothing I can do about any of it. I’m completely powerless over all of this right now and it sucks.

Sitting here in the dark writing this, sitting in a cold house without power…yeah. The irony of how I’m feeling isn’t lost on me.

(By the way, it’s super fun taking care of a 3 month old in the dark without the luxury of a loud sound machine to block out the sounds of his very loud older brothers. Ugh.)

Anyway. Here’s a picture of a very cute boy, because we all need some smiles in our lives.