Tonight sucked. I begged for it not to. I begged for honesty. For communication, for openness…for showing up for one another.
But that didn’t happen. I felt blamed. I felt accused. Parenting is hard enough without being 100% on the same page. And sometimes, we’re just not.
There was no communication, or mutual connection, or just simply fucking honesty. I tried. I tried so damn hard.
Instead, he accused me and he placed blame. He checked out. He certainly didn’t take accountability or even simply just show up to have a conversation.
Over an hour down the drain. And now I’m just upset.
I laid out for him the consequences of the evening. That I CLEARLY hear him telling me that he blames me for everything. He backtracks. Apologies. But it’s not enough.
I heard him clearly.
It’s all my fault. Everything always is.
I’m a loser.
I’m a failure.
I’m the problem
And I’ll never be anything less.
So I go into the bathroom and make myself bleed. Maybe way too much. Definitely way too much.
I hate him in the moment, but I’ll hate myself forever more. This wound isn’t his. This scar isn’t his.
This blood isn’t his.
Maybe he’s right, after all.
It’s all my fault.
It always has been, and it always will be.
Great. Another scar. Another bloody night, when all I desperately craved was honesty and communication. Connection.
At least 2 years have passed. Yet, here we are. Another bloody night, another fucked up memory.
All this has done is open the fucking flood gates. And I hate it.
I hate it so damn much.
Alana, you didn’t lose a battle. You had a slip-up. I had a few of those, with the most recent being during the pandemic shutdown. Stopping self harm is difficult for adults, and my therapist even told me that slip-ups will happen.
However, I am going to be honest with you. I am very concerned about you. We all care about you very much and will always be there for you. However, you need more support in real life. Does your therapist have experience in treating self harm? Do you need to do something like AA or rehab? Please make sure you are getting the support you need.
Your right, it was just a slip, not a loss. It’s not something I want to continue, so I’ll get back on track and do better.
She does definitely have experience with it. We’ve never really dealt with it because I never really bring it up or talk about it. Another one of those shameful things that I usually just keep to myself. But I do need more support. I’m sure AA would help. I just have so much anxiety about it.
The thing about AA is that everybody there has seen everything. You can be honest and nobody will freak out. ❤️
It sounds super helpful. It’s just going there for the first time and walking in there alone that makes me nervous. But maybe one day I’ll get the courage to.
This quote by Paul Luman is fitting for you:
You are wiser than your
Choices sometimes
Indicate. Stronger than
Your weak moments.
Kinder than your
Outbursts. A better person
Than your worst mistakes.
Never let your minimum
Become your label.
We care deeply about you and hope you can get the help you need, soon.
Thank you 💙
I’ll be okay. I’m stronger than my weak moments.
You are. But you haven’t convinced me that YOU truly believe that. Maybe you should say it out loud, to yourself, in the mirror…
(I’m not a therapist and don’t know what are the right words to write, but I’m hopeful my words do more good than harm.)
You’re right, I don’t believe myself. But maybe the more I say it the more true it will be