It’s no secret that lately, I’ve been heading down a dark path. A path that I’m honestly trying to get off of. I’m working a lot harder in therapy and trying to stick to the goals we come up with, I’m being more open and honest…I opened up to my best friend about it…
But I feel myself pulling back now. I’m worried that I’m burdening the people in my life that I’m the closet to and that I care the most about. I don’t feel like I’m burdening my therapist, she’s made it quite clear that she’ll get rid of me if and when she feels like she needs to. But it’s been like, 8 years or something now, so so far so good.
I am worried about the effect it might have on the relationship with my best friend, though. She’s been there for me, and vice versa, since literally day 1. For 22 years, she’s been a huge part of my life, and so yes. She’s the person I finally opened up to about all of this. And she’s been great. She’s supportive and encouraging and present…everything I need her to be. And honestly, it really is helping. Even when it doesn’t seem like it, it is.
But I feel myself wanting to pull back now. I want to be less honest and say things are fine when they might not be because I don’t want her to feel like I can’t do this. I don’t want her to give up on me, I don’t want to bother her or accidentally say something that might upset her…so I just feel…I don’t know. It’s hard.
I don’t ever want to do anything that could or would hurt our friendship. She’s one of the most important people in my life, and I don’t want to jeopardize that.
But she is helping me, and I feel like I can do better. I feel like the path I’m on right now…even though I’m struggling, it feels more hopeful than it ever has. Like, I honestly, for the first time, feel like maybe I can do this. And it’s because of the support that I’m getting.
So I guess I feel kind of stuck. Do I pull back, be less honest and hope that I don’t fuck up our friendship?
Or do I trust her, like I’ve come to trust my therapist…and trust that she’ll take care of herself and that she really isn’t going anywhere?
I don’t know the answer. But what I do know, is that our friendship and the stability of our relationship is more important than my selfish need for support. And I’m going to do whatever I need to do to prioritize the health of our relationship, because that’s what matters the most.