Nothing stays the same

Yesterday morning, after months of being on the waitlist and hoping that this call would come sooner rather than later…we got the call that there is an opening for my son at the school we picked out for him.

It’s a Montessori style school, and he’ll be starting kindergarten there. A spot opened up and they want him to start next week.

I. Am. Terrified.

Yes, this child drives me bananas and I have wished for this day to come many, many times…but I’m also not ready.

He hasn’t been away from me for more than just a few hours in his entire life. And even during those times…he’s been with a family member.

And suddenly I’m supposed to hand him off to a stranger for nearly all of his day, everyday? It’s scary. Yes, it will be a relief when he’s not here fighting with his brother all day long…but it feels selfish to feel that way.

So, he’ll start there next Monday, and I’m terrified. I just wasn’t expecting it to be so sudden.

Anyway…therapy last night went well. We talked about my son, talked about getting him his own therapist, and I think we finally found a good fit after hours of phone calls and research on my end. He will still be coming with me to see my therapist with me on Friday, so I’m excited for that. I just really want to learn better how to best handle or parent him.

We worked on a new goal for drinking this week, which includes not drinking (any liquor) during the day, and at night, not making my first drink 4oz strong. And to try to make that first drink weaker, when I maybe have more control.

I did well last night, I always seem to drink less in therapy days. And I fell asleep pretty early.

So between all of that, we didn’t really do anything for our anniversary or to celebrate it, and that did make me kind of sad. We’re going out to dinner next weekend, but I was still kind of bummed that I didn’t feel like we really celebrated last night. It’s just hard with having such a young baby at home.

I’m sad but excited that this is my last week of “normalcy”. Next week, I’ll be down to 2. My 4 year old and 4 month old. Life will certainly be quieter…

I don’t know how today will go. I know my goal is to not drink during the day…but I also have a glass half full from last night that I fell asleep before I could finish…and all I want to do is drink it. If I were stronger, I’d dump it out.

But the weak parts of my brain are telling me to save it and drink it during nap time. I can feel it just by looking at it. And it’s really, really tempting. And the longer the day goes on, the more stressed and overwhelmed I get, the more tempting it is to drink.

I’m already struggling with cravings, and it’s only 8am. So that isn’t a great sign.

Yesterday was, overall, a really positive day. Therapy went well, and my son will be starting school and therapy.

Changes are so hard for me, and this will be a huge disruption in our “normal”.

But I’m hoping that it all ends up being a positive change for everyone.