Feeling off

I don’t feel like myself lately. Or, maybe, more accurately…I feel like a version of myself that I really, really hate.

I’ve been feeling so disconnected from everyone lately. I feel disconnected from my husband, I’m not feeling that close, loving connection that I always desperately long for…and I’m feeling the same way with my best friend. Like…something is just off. She’s saying all the right things, she’s saying there’s nothing wrong…but I just have a weird feeling.

Yes, I initially pulled back, but I feel like even when I try to talk more now…ugh. I don’t know. I just need to get over it. It’s not a big deal and I don’t need people, so it’s okay.

I have been connecting a lot more with people I know through blogging…and that’s been so amazing. Having this outlet here, writing and connecting with so many people within this community, it’s definitely been my saving grace over the past few years. And I’m grateful that I have that.

I think part of the problem is that I am SO exhausted. Like, I’m pretty much passed out for the night by 9:30 now. When usually, it’s more like oh, it’s 11pm, I guess I should go to sleep now. So I feel like I’m missing out on important time and hours spent with my husband. But it’s like, no matter how much sleep I get, it’s just not enough.

This exhaustion is the part that doesn’t feel like me. It’s unfamiliar, and I really hate it. I’m not drinking more at night, usually when I fall asleep early like that, I end up drinking less. So I don’t think that alcohol is the issue. But it also seems like the alcohol is hitting me harder, and like I’m feeling it differently.

I don’t know, I’m really just feeling off. I don’t know why I’m so tired, I don’t know why I feel so distant from everyone, and I don’t know why my thoughts feel a lot darker lately.

It’s like I feel like I’m not fully present. Like I’m floating above my body. My body is here but it feels like my head is in space.

Shit. I feel really off today.

Ok. Today is about survival and being kind to myself. I’ll get through this, whatever it is.

4 thoughts on “Feeling off”

  1. I’m sorry, dear Alana, but I laughed a little when I read, “I don’t know why I am so tired.” Really? With three small children, one of them a 4-month old baby? Almost no time to yourself? Extra health concerns for yourself and the kids? Those things would exhaust anyone.

    It’s okay, go to bed early, and reduce your expectations. It’s not forever! It will get easier as the kids get a bit older. I had two boys, not three, but I still relate to the exhaustion and the sense that I should be doing more. Nope. It’s very normal to do less for a while. “A time for everything and everything in its time.” I don’t know about you, but sayings like that used to help me a lot. And then over the years, I came to see that it was true.

    1. Last night Atlas woke up at midnight and it took me an hour to get him back to sleep 🤦🏻‍♀️ I didn’t question why I was tired today 😂.
      But yeah, all of those things really are exhausting. And I don’t really give myself any grace when it comes down to it.
      I think I do need to do less right now, I just don’t know how

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