A day for feelings

Today is the kind of day where I’m just feeling all my feelings.

After I dropped my son off at school this morning, I kind of just broke down. I never cry, literally ever, but I just kind of had a moment when I was driving home.

Something about how I dropped him off just broke my heart. It’s like a carpool line, and you’re not allowed to go in, so the kids literally have to jump out real quick and you drive away. He hates it and always wants another hug, or begs me to come in with him, but I can’t. I hate just pushing him out of the car and sending him on his way. But that’s the way it is.

After I dropped him off, I had therapy. I don’t usually have therapy on Thursday mornings, so it was weird. But I’m glad it happened to be today, because I certainly had a lot of feelings today.

I’m learning now, with my son in school, that I certainly have more emotional weaknesses that I thought I did. But I got, once again, way more emotional than I usually do today in therapy.

I don’t know. Just, talking about my son and everything that’s going on, it’s just been hard on me. It’s been a hard transition. I love him so much, even when, at times, he can seem unlovable. I want him to thrive and be happy and successful. He’s so amazing and kind and sweet…that’s the side of him I want to see all the time.

I really don’t know why I’m so emotional today. It really is not at all typical for me.

It’s like, if I allowed myself to, I could probably spend all day crying. And I really don’t know why. I’m tired, I have NOT been sleeping well, I’m worried about my husband and his mental health…he says there’s nothing wrong, but I just have a gut feeling that something is wrong…it’s just all a LOT right now.

Therapy went well, despite me almost getting too emotional. Very unlike me. I couldn’t even sarcasm my way out of it. UGH. What is wrong with me.

Despite most of my life (outside of some select few positive things) burning down around me…therapy is going really well. It feels stable and positive and productive and I feel really good about it. That hasn’t always been the case, so it makes me all the more grateful when it is.

I always do better in life when my relationships are stable, and when I feel like therapy is strong and going well.

I may be an absolute, complete hot mess that apparently breaks down driving home from school dropoff…but at least I’m working on it.

I might have (once again) gotten myself addicted to alcohol to the point where I’m hitting withdrawals again every day if I don’t drink early enough…but I’m working on it.

I’m working on it.

I’m just trying to do my best in a world that seems like it’s going way too fast.

At least today, it my really weak moments, I had someone to talk to about it instead of just drinking.