Proceed with caution…

Tonight has started out like all the other nights in the past where I ended up almost killing myself, or drinking so much that it nearly ended in tragedy.

I’m in a fragile place right now.

My husband and I have NOT always been on solid ground. Probably 3ish years ago, things were horrible and bad, and it took an incredible amount of work from both of us to get to the place where we are now…which is (usually) strong and stable and awesome.

But tonight, we got in a small fight, and it escalated very quickly when he did some of the things that he used to do when things were at their worst a few years ago. (Shutting down, threatening to leave/walking out in anger…) just things from the past that ALWAYS made things worse.

I’m feeling triggered, scared (not of him, of my own feelings) and it’s exactly this kind of night, these kind of feelings, that lead to something catastrophic happening.

When I drink out of INTENSE anxiety, it comes from a place of pure desperation. Like, I need this feeling to leave my body before my head literally implodes and pours out of my ears. It’s like this fear. It’s anxiety, but it’s also fear.

I fall apart when the relationships in my life are not 100% rock solid and stable. It’s just that simple.

If I’m not careful tonight, it will end badly. The way I’m feeling now is not good. It’s scary and lonely and….

I’ve said this a million times. When the relationships in my life are stable, everything is good. The second my close relationships start to crumble…I fucking fall apart. My marriage being anything less than stable is enough for me to hit the eject button on my life. I can’t do it. I can’t go through it again.

I just want things to be better. I’m literally so traumatized from that period of my life, and I just can’t. (It was never abusive, he never hit me or anything like that, but it was hard and not okay nonetheless.)

I’m not okay tonight. I had one drink, pretty much just a shot, that I had in the moment maybe an hour ago because I so desperately needed to silent the screaming anxiety.

But once I start actually drinking tonight…

Tonight will either get better or worse. Significantly worse. If I don’t feel the love I need, if I feel like things are still not okay…the extent to which I will probably self medicate is deadly. It won’t be on purpose. But I know myself well enough to know that I need to be careful tonight.

It’s not his job to make me feel better. Except maybe it should be, because he is at least responsible for his actions that led to how I’m feeling.

It’s fine. It will be fine.

I want things to be better. And that’s my own issue. I need conflict to be resolved IMMEDIATELY. And he is 100% the opposite. He needs time and space. And while he’s getting that time, I’m spiraling.

It will be fine. And if it’s not, than it’s not.

17 thoughts on “Proceed with caution…”

  1. I’m holding my breath while I read this. Can you just go hug him? Melt into him? Will he push you away? Would he embrace and make you feel safe? What can you do to avoid drinking more right now?

    1. I could. He would be receptive and we would both probably feel better. But I push people away when I feel like this. Or I run because I feel unworthy.
      Honestly I just need love to feel better. I need to feel secure. He’s being nice and things are settled down now, he made me coffee and brought me a snack (because I can’t eat when I feel like this) but I still feel numb and broken. And I don’t know what road drinking will take me down tonight. If I’m smart, I’ll drink less. But the version of me a few hours from now is far less reasonable than I currently am. I did make my first drink weaker than I usually do. So maybe that’s a good start.

      1. Please go to him and make him hug you, and feel loved and secure. You can control that. It’s better than drinking more than is safe. You KNOW that.

      2. I know. You’re right. I guess I just wanted him to do it. I wanted him to make me feel better.
        It’s so stupid. He was so sweet today too. He went out with the kids and the brought me back a special dinner to make me smile. And then we have a stupid fight about our son and my anxiety took over and honestly, I hate myself more than anything.

        Ah, I see what road drinking will take me down. Pure self hatred. I feel guilty for it turning into a bad night. It’s not all my fault, but it feels like it is I guess.

        But you’re right. And I know I absolutely cannot let this night get out of hand.

      3. He’s a guy… he can’t read your mind. He’s probably being cautious, too. Show him what he needs to do to make you feel better! He’ll be grateful that he doesn’t have to guess.

      4. Very true. I didn’t know what I needed while I was so worked up and anxious. But now that my system is a bit more depressed, I can probably better identify what I need and can tell him.

      5. It was ok. Not bad, he tried to make me feel better, and I fell asleep pretty early because I was so emotionally exhausted. Hoping tonight goes better though. More normal.

  2. Okay, I can only speak from my experience here, and I am only doing it because I am anonymous… 😉

    We went through some rough shit. Like, he would dig into me about my weight, we would get into a drunken screaming match, and I would self harm and binge eat. Not a good look…

    What changed things was beginning to see my own value. I started to set boundaries. They were very firm boundaries, and I had to mentally be able to leave, in order to enforce them. I came close to spending a couple of nights in my Jeep. I refused to drink or self harm, and I knew that the only way to avoid doing those things was to set boundaries.

    I did reach out to others, but I was careful. I did not want to involve a friend who would tell me what to do or get overly involved. My yoga teacher was a good support, and she set firm boundaries with me as well. Listeners on 7 Cups of Tea were good, especially because it is anonymous. She Recovers was hit and miss…Some people overstepped or gave too much advice. The meetings were much better than the FB page.

    Or you could stand your ground, go to a place where you can be alone, and login to the AA Homegroup 24 hour meeting. You can Google it.

    You can get through this. It’s going to be hard no matter what you choose, but you do have the chance to choose YOU tonight!

    1. That sounds rough. I’m glad you set boundaries and that things aren’t still like that.
      Yeah, things were bad here. Coincidentally, it was during the time where my drinking was at its WORST. I’ll never be sure if it was a chicken or the egg type of thing…but I’m convinced I drank more because our relationship was so bad.
      It’s a similar story. He made me feel awful, unloved, unlovable, etc..I’d self harm, starve myself… there were many nights I ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor. Hoping he’d come get me, apologize…love me…but he never did. I kept a bottle of vodka in the closet in the bathroom and a shit ton of pills for “just in case”. So, yeah. It was rough.
      I didn’t even open up about it in therapy because it hurt so much. I just refused to talk about my marriage. Until I did, and then things started improving when we started really working on it.

      I told him tonight that him threatening me instead of respectfully communicating, and threatening to walk out of the house is not okay. I told him “that is my firm boundary. And unless you’re planning to leave and never step foot back in here again, you will not do that.” I was kind of proud of myself for setting that firm boundary.

      It is hard to talk about. But I always feel better when I do. I’m REALLY trying to take it slow tonight.

  3. Alana,
    I had to stop reading your blog for awhile because it brought back a lot of memories from my past. I have read many of your posts and I absolutely love when you talk about your children. I have wanted to comment and basically give you a hug. You remind me a lot of myself. Please keep on writing… We see you. In hard times especially I found writing is one of the best ways for me to heal. I am sorry that you had such a rough patch with your husband. At least you are willing to admit that you are not well and can recognized you are triggered. For a long time I would not even understand I was triggered. Really that is a blessing. How to deal with anxiety well that is a whole different story. I hope that you can talk with your husband and get back to your good understanding sweet spot. Which I am sure you will be able to. Big hug sent your way. ~ Katerehanna

    1. Thank you for your comment, it means a lot. I often wonder if I really am connecting with people out there, as that’s a big part of why I got started with writing.
      I can definitely identify my triggers. I’ll credit that to 8ish years of therapy. But yes, how to deal with that anxiety is a different beast indeed.
      Things got a better and calmed down. I’m still feeling a bit defensive and definitely have some walls up, but not all is lost.

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