Keep moving forward

If I had to pick a one liner for how therapy went last night, it’s that we will not have another breakdown this year regarding my birth son.

So, I guess that’s just the plan. Stay strong, don’t break down, and keep on moving.

Or…some shit like that.

Not, like…exactly sure how that works? But basically, we’re just not going to set myself up for failure. So I guess I’m just telling myself that, no, we don’t need to be emotional and upset, and we don’t need to go down that road.

(Okay, a little behind the scenes info here.)

Knowing that I have to drop my son off to school in the morning and my writing time will be limited, sometimes I start posts like this the night before. Taking some immediate thoughts, and mixing them with more reflective thoughts when I pick back up the next morning. And the immediate and reflective thoughts form a beautiful, articulate marriage.

I’m still writing in the “tonight” phase of it. Meaning that, I got home from therapy an hour ago, and it’s 9:30pm. And I want to speak honestly about it. Which is harder than it should be.

I am so grateful for my therapist. Truly. She just…I don’t know. I think, this year, more than any other year, I’m just really thankful for the real and genuine relationship that we seem to have.

I’ve been with my therapist for something like…7 and a half years now. Which means…she’s been with me through at least 7 birthday seasons. Maybe even 8.

I haven’t brought it up this year. How I’m feeling about the whole birth son/adoption thing. Like…at all. But tonight I did, halfway anticipating her not to have known or remembered (or cared). But I had to say very few words about how my week went or what I was feeling before she reassured me that, yes, she knows what time of year it is. And how hard it is for me.

And that we don’t even need to necessarily talk about it. She, after all these years, really does kind of know how I’m feeling. And honestly…it was kind of freeing to not have to talk about it.

We’re being productive. We’re working through things in a much different way than we have before.

Like, yes…I want nothing more than to throw myself into a pit of despair and have the blankets of my bed suffocate me and swallow me whole until I cease to exist…….

But we’re also working on it. And it does feel helpful and productive.

I’m grateful that our relationship is where it is. Because, as I’ve said many times, it hasn’t always been this way. We’ve had our struggles and ups and downs. But it feels good now. It feels strong.

And I am trying so hard to draw strength from that and apply it to my daily life. Or maybe that’s not it exactly…I don’t know. I’m trying to say things in just the right way, and that’s really hard.

We’re still doing a lot of work practicing mindfulness and stuff. And approaching hard things with “wise mind”, as opposed to being overly anxious or overly cold and detached.

I’m still feeling extremely run down and…basically dead inside. But I guess that’s just the expectation for this time of year. We didn’t really make a drinking goal for this week. I think the goal for the next few weeks is basically just to…stay alive.

Therapy went well overall. I wish I could go more frequently right now, but it is what it is I guess. I hate feeling like this, and this month sucks.

But I don’t have to have another breakdown.

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