Mustering up the courage

Well, I think I’ve waited as long as I could, and I need to send the text again.

We’re 13 days away fro my birth sons 9th birthday. And between the time it takes to shop for things, have it get here, wrap it, and ship it back to him…yeah. Time is running out.

I really don’t know how to phrase it in a way that seems…respectful of them and their lives, but also in a way that suggests a bit of urgency at this point.

Usually, I just ask once and they respond with a few different interests or ideas. But this year, they said “let me ask him!” and didn’t get back to me.

I am worried about what the response could be. Based off some recent conversations, I know my birth son has expressed interest in meeting me. And I’m worried that the “let me ask him” may result in him suggesting that he wants to have some sort of conversation with me.

And while, yes, that’s ultimately the dream and the goal, to be in reunion with him…it’s also extremely terrifying. And the wounds that it would open up would be monumental.

Today will be triggering. It’s as simple as that.

I have to text them again. They’ll either respond, or they won’t. They’ll give me some ideas or they won’t. I don’t have control over other people and what they do or think. So I just need to accept that this is my situation, and it is what it is.

To be clear, I do think that they probably just genuinely forgot. I have a good relationship with his parents, and they’ve always been so great with allowing me to send him things. So I’m not implying they did anything wrong. It’s more just that it’s so hard for me to reach out around this time of year. And I worry so much that I’m “bothering” them every time I ask.

Something we’re working on in therapy is coming at things from “wise mind” as opposed to being overly emotional or anxious, or overly cold and detached. My natural inclination is to detach from this emotionally, but I know that isn’t good either. So maybe today is a really good day to practice doing that.

I know this probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, and that’s ok. But adoption is weird and messy and full of pain and grief. And some things just are really hard.

I’m strong enough to do this. Even if I don’t want to.