Finding my way back

I’ve had a phenomenally bad week. It’s been one of grief and loss and pain and anger.

On April 4th, my birth sons birthday, one of my really good friends delivered her baby sleeping. She had a placental abruption, and the baby didn’t make it. It’s been completely devastating, and I’ve been feeling that grief alongside her. She has 4 daughters, including this baby. And I have 4 sons, including my birth son.

Our children are all near the same ages and we’ve always seemed to be pregnant near the same time as each other. While I haven’t ever personally had the experience of having a stillborn, I certainly know my way around child loss.

My middle son was supposed to be an identical twin, but we lost him, and that was really hard for me to deal with. I still say to my husband whenever he does something ridiculous “can you imagine having 2 of them?”

When Atlas was born, he had a huge knot in his umbilical cord and it kind of turned into an emergency situation. I’m very aware that his birth could’ve ended very differently.

And of course, my birth son. While I said goodbye to him living, I still said goodbye. And the pain and the heartache was as much and as strong as if he weren’t.

Of course this situation is very different, and I’m not in any way comparing losses. I just understand a little bit of the grief she’s feeling. And it is so hard.

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My drinking this week has pretty much gotten out of hand. I’m seeing an overall increase, and that’s not the direction we should be heading.

I am doing the other goals that we talked about in therapy, like trying to be mindful, and identifying how I’m feeling without judging. So, those goals, I’m meeting.

But the drinking goal? Yeah…not so much.

When it comes to my drinking goal, I’m supposed to ask myself “is this effective in helping me reach my goal?” And if it’s not, don’t do it.

As it turns out, having my oldest son home from school until next Tuesday is NOT effective in helping me reach my goal. So that’s a bummer. I love him, but holy shit I can’t take the constant conflict between him and his brother anymore.

It’s Friday, and it’s the one day I don’t have to go anywhere. It’s a beautiful rainy day, and I am going to really try to stick to my drinking goal.

Lately it seems like any time my oldest son is home from school, it’s a bad day. The conflict is hard. That may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. And this blog is all about being honest. Raising 3 special needs boys is exhausting at times.

Today is a good day for trying to start to get back on track.

Progress, not perfection.