I’m feeling all of the feelings, and that’s ok.

I had a post written and ready to go for this morning, but then, this morning happened. And I felt like I needed to write about that, instead.

This morning, for the 2 hours that I’ve been awake so far, has all of the feelings attached to it.

We had to move my 2 older sons into the same room together a couple of nights ago…and it has been a disaster. My 4 year old can be a bit…feral? Wild? Insane? Yeah. All of the above. So he has decided to start his day at 3am, tear apart the closets looking for toys, and wake my 6 year old up to play with him. So…we’ve all been a bit miserable and exhausted while we’re adjusting to the new room situation.

But this morning, they did it! They stayed in their beds until the light turned green on the sound machine, and played quietly in their room until we got them. I was so excited and so proud of them. (I think my 4 year old being completely exhausted and sleep deprived helped, but hey, I’ll take the win.)

Today is gardening day for my 6 year old at school. So I sent him with a plant, some seeds, 2 small pots, gardening tools, and a watering can. He wore his green uniform shirt, and I don’t know. It was just cute. I was excited for him and we had a good morning. We had a good talk on the drive to school, and I just felt good about it and him.

A boy from his class got dropped off at the same time as my son, and the boy was so excited to see him. He shouted out his name and ran over to him, and it was really cute.

Driving home, I started to get kind of emotional though. I feel so bad for my son.

He sounds and looks awful. He’s been sick (sick? allergies? Disease progression?) for months now. He just finished a round of antibiotics, he sounded better for like 3 days, and this morning he looked and sounded terrible again. I don’t know what to do or how to help him feel better. But I felt so guilty. I don’t know what exactly I felt guilty about, but that’s how I was feeling.

Yesterday, his teachers sent me an email requesting a meeting with my husband and I regarding his neuromuscular disorder. They want to know more about it so they can provide him with the best care. She said the principal and speech therapist want to be there as well.

That’s fine, and I’m glad they are being proactive and care so much about him. They send me pictures every day, and it’s great. But it does make me sad that this is our life. I hate that all of my boys (and me) have this disorder that makes all of our lives so much more difficult.

So…yeah. It was just a lot of feelings this morning and I’m trying to get better at identifying my feelings, and allowing myself to feel then. I think that’s supposed to be how it goes, anyway.

My life is hard and complicated and messy. But it has it’s bright and cute moments too. I don’t know what the future holds for my kids. The prognosis isn’t good. And mornings like this, where I look in the rear view mirror and see my son there looking awful, it hits me.

I’m worried about my son…well, all of them. And my worry is valid. I’m feeling the grief that comes with being a special needs parent this morning…and that’s ok.

Sometimes, feelings just need to be felt.

But here’s a cute baby to make anyone smile.