Appreciating the growth

Last night I had therapy. And as I was driving home, I realized how much I really have grown and changed over the past few years.

Therapy went well, and has been going well. Last night we talked about a lot of different things…my kids, drinking, adoption stuff, all of it. And it was good.

Probably halfway through, she asked to look at my coloring books. We used to do a lot of coloring in the past, whenever things got hard and I couldn’t really talk, it was just a way to take the pressure off I guess. So we’d sit on the floor and color and talk.

Last night, she said that we’re going to start coloring again, and every time I finish one, we’re going to rip it out and I’ll put it somewhere, so every time I’m feeling a certain type of way, I can look at it and hear her voice telling me whatever the quote is in the page. (The coloring book I have is like, adult motivational phrases, so it’s kind of funny.)

But going back and coloring and just doing that…when things aren’t like…as bad as they were in the past? I don’t know, it just made me realize that I really am in a different place now.

Things are not perfect now. I’m not where I want to be, and I have a long road ahead of me.

But I’m going to therapy sober now, when for the longest time, I wasn’t. I’m not spending all day, everyday, drinking. I’m able to talk about things in a more real way, and I don’t think I’m shutting down as much. We’re actually doing work and making progress, and probably the most importantly, I’m finally starting to really trust her.

I know she’s there. And I know that she’s not going anywhere. I feel…as secure as a person like me can feel with her right now. And even just that, that subtle change and feeling, is a pretty big deal.

Things aren’t perfect. I’m still in the throes of addiction. This season of life is really hard, and only getting harder. But I feel supported, and I feel like things can get better.

And isn’t that the best feeling in the world? To know you still have a long way to go…but also to appreciate that you have made progress. And that, even though things are still pretty rough…it’s been a whole lot worse in the past.

Sometimes you need to slow down and appreciate your own progress.

Last night in therapy we colored and it was just…ok. I was sober. Things weren’t in crisis mode, I wasn’t shut down…I was okay.

I love being okay.

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