Today got off to a bit of a loud start, as they always seem to lately. But I’m trying to…just accept that this is my life right now.
My son doesn’t have school today, which means I have the pleasure (🙄) of having all 3 kids home with me all day. We have nowhere to go, and nothing to do.
Normally, I like the days where I have no schedule and no plans. The only days I have like that are usually Fridays. But my 6 year old being home from school today….sucks. He and my 4 year old are just loud and they argue and it’s just always something. And I don’t really have it in me to be a referee all day today. He’s fine by himself, and to be honest, I’d rather spend a day with him than a day with my 4 year old. They’re equally…challenging…but different. But together? It’s just a lot of noise.
I feel like I’m in a weird place in my life right now. There’s a lot going on, a lot of transitions taking place and just a LOT of potential big changes. My husband trying to change careers, trying to buy land, opening up a new business…there’s a lot going on. And right now it’s all kind of just hanging in the balance. So there’s simultaneously nothing going on, and everything going on…if that makes sense.
It’s like all of these potential changes are happening all at once, and we’re in that weird period of just…waiting to see how it all plays out.
Is my husband able to successfully change his job?
Is our website going to come together and look as professional as we want it to? Will people care, will people buy our things and sign up for the services?
Will we get approved for a loan to buy the land right next to my parents house?
If we buy the land, will we ever have enough to ever build a house on it?
If I can’t survive one Friday with my son home, am I going to survive the whole summer?
So many things outside of my control. So many things that are just happening, and not happening, and I don’t have any input.
Life is just happening.
And I’m struggling to keep up.
My relationship with alcohol is getting weirder. It’s affecting me differently, and I don’t know why. I’m not drinking more (I don’t think), but I seem to be feeling it more. I really think it’s the lack of food and sleep that’s making it feel like it’s hitting harder, but I’m not entirely sure.
My birth mom retreat that I travel to every May is coming up in a few weeks. And I’m worried about leaving my husband alone with all 3 kids. But I am SOOO excited to sleep without getting woken up at all hours of the night.
But I am nervous about the trip. Last year, my husband came with me and was a big support. But this year, he isn’t coming. And I’m worried that I’ll be emotional or whatever and just…end up drinking way too much or not being okay.
So…yeah. There’s just a lot going on. A lot of changes and a lot coming up and a lot to think about.
All while trying to keep my shit together, be the kind of mom and wife and friend I want to be.
But right now, my kids are actually playing together and building train tracks instead of fighting. So even though there’s a million things running through my head…I can be present in this moment and try to appreciate it.
We’re building a life. But life is also happening right now. And I need to stop missing out on it by living in the future and stressing out about it.